Make Believe

Sixteen.

Sometimes, when people say they've forgiven you, it's not true.

After about four hours, I knew that Finn had done what I had just the day before. Ross and I had sat on the sofa once Lia and Mark had gone, worrying about what he was doing. We both knew, deep down.

"Maybe it's my fault." Ross mumbled. "As both of you have run away."

I bit my lip. "It's nothing to do with you, Ross. I promise."

He didn't say anything.

"I know that deep down, Finn didn't truly forgive me that quickly, did he?" I sighed.

"I think he thought he had, but when you didn't stick up for him in front of Mark he got mad and felt all the anger rush out."

I stopped to think about the wise words that had just come out of that fifteen year old boy, when I remembered something else.

"When I was in the hospital, you said that Finn speaks about me at night sometimes." I looked at him intensely. "What does he say?"

"It doesn't matter." Ross shrugged.

"Come on. Is there some sort of brother's oath of secrecy I don't know about?" I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"It's not that..." he looked absent-minded. "I just know to keep some things a secret. It's for the best."

I groaned. "Alright. Leave me in suspense."

There was a moment of silence, so I stood up and walked into the kitchen. "What do you want? We have chocolate, cookies, ice cream-"

"I want my fucking brother." Ross muttered.

I sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. "He'll be fine."

"You know he's out there drinking and being stupid like you did the other day. He's doing it to get back at you." Ross put his head in his hands. "Can't you see? Why did you even leave in the first place?"

"I..." I didn't know what to say.

"You've just caused so much shit!" Ross stood up and marched into his room, slamming the door.

As I walked to his door, he must have sensed my presence. "Fuck off." He called through the door.

"Ross. Come on. I know I'm an idiot."

"We all know that. It's hardly a secret." He sniffed.

"You want me to leave you alone?" I asked. When I didn't hear anything, I assumed that he meant 'yes.'

Taking a deep breath, I collapsed on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. What had I done? I was so naive to think that I'd be forgiven so easily.

People say what both they and others want to hear. It's like we lie to ourselves. We all do it, don't we? Sometimes we say 'Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about it.', when we actually know deep down that what that person did hurt us.

But we just want things to stay normal and stay happy. If we say what we want to think, everything seems like the perfect scenario. It's not true though; it's a facade. Make believe. Sometimes, things would be a lot easier if we just said what needed to be said.

Don't leave people in the dark.

I wondered how much Finn had had to drink. He wouldn't have left home without doing the stuff I did. That would be a half finished job. He wanted revenge, didn't he?

As if my mind had been read, the front door opened. Finn stood there, covered in rain from the dark outside and completely red in the face. His eyes were swollen and puffy.

Silent and cold, the two of us stared at each other like deer caught in the headlights. Ross's bedroom door opened. We stayed silent, until Finn shut the door and fell onto his knees.

He sobbed into his hands. "I couldn't fucking do it!"

I stood up and approached him warily. "Finn?"

"I couldn't do it, Lola!" He cried. "I went to the bar... And... I thought about how I felt at home with Ross when you were out being stupid. I couldn't do it!"

"How much did you drink?" Ross asked, his voice shaky.

"I didn't drink anything. I just sat at the bar trying to persuade myself to show Lola what it was like to worry like that, but I didn't have the heart to do it so I just walked home." Finn suddenly seemed to realise what he was doing, so he stood up and disappeared into the bathroom.

Ross and I followed him in as he splashed his face with water. "Are you okay?" Ross asked his big brother.

Finn made a noise that didn't sound very okay.

I opened my mouth. "Hey. Idiot. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm sorry for ruining your trust like that, I'll never do it again, I-"

"Don't." Finn warned. "Just let me go to bed."

"You hate me, don't you?" I leaned against the wall.

"If I hated you," Finn said, turning to face me. "I wouldn't be here."

And he turned, walking into his room along with his brother. I sighed and sat on the bathroom floor. What could I do to fix this?