Phan One Shots - jilliancares

Amour

Summary: Trans!Dan and Phil get ready to have sex for the first time.

Word Count: 4k

A/N: i'm not trans but i did my best with research to make sure i got everything right and wasn't offensive in any way. if there are any incongruities in that sense, forgive me :]

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Dan was a boy. That was one of his first memories, really—being vehemently certain that he was male. He expressed it in every way he could, but when a three year old tells their parents, quite determinedly, that they're the opposite gender—well, parents generally assume that they're confused. That they're just a kid. That they don't know what they're saying.

And so Dan took his gender into his own hands, at least, until he was old enough for his parents to genuinely believe that he was, in fact, a boy. At four years old he snuck into his father's office, found the grown-up scissors, and cut off all the hair that hung lower than his ears. His mother was horrified—not because it was short, but because really, no four year old should ever try to cut their own hair. He was taken to a hair-cutters shortly after in an attempt to correct the remains.

Growing up, Dan also refused to wear anything pink, as every other little kid immediately associated it with girls. He also hid, tarnished, or threw away any dresses or skirts his extended family bought him for birthdays or Christmas—his own family already knew not to buy him such things, as he wouldn't wear it.

By the time he was six, he owned a full and comprehensive set of little boys' clothes and couldn't be happier. By the time he was ten, another little boy pantsed him at recess and his entire grade proceeded to call him a girl. Dan moved away after that, all the way to London, where he could start anew and make sure that no one ever found out that he hadn't been born with a penis ever again.

Shortly after Dan turned twelve, he got his period, and could never have been more ashamed. He hated it with every fiber of his being. He spent each month dreading its arrival, and when he had it, was so depressed that he often locked himself up in his room and refused to converse with anyone or even go to school. On the occasions that Dan's parents managed to coax him out of his room and out the door, Dan would simply hide in a nearby forest until the school day was over.

That very same year, his parents bought him his first binder, which helped monumentally with his self-esteem. Even better was that his parents did research and found that there was a way to halt his puberty. Unfortunately, this involved seeing a doctor and going to a therapist to "prove" that he really wasn't a girl, which was possibly the most disheartening thing he'd had to experience yet. Dan didn't see why he should have to prove something to others, something that seemed so obvious to himself.

Nevertheless, a year later Dan was equipped with hormone blockers, which put and end to his period and his parents' anxiety, afraid he was going to miss so much school he would be held back. The doctors said he was too young to start testosterone, but he looked forward to the day when he was old enough with giddy excitement.

By the time Dan turned seventeen, he was in love. Phil Lester was the nicest boy he'd ever met, and Dan fell head over heels for him. They met in their chemistry class, their seats having been next to each other. They became fast friends, and Phil was the first and only person Dan told about being trans.

They started dating immediately after Phil kissed Dan, soft and gentle, in the front seat of Phil's car. They liked to sneak out there during lunch and eat together, away from the clamor of the cafeteria. When Phil started to lean in, Dan couldn't believe his eyes. He'd had no choice but to believe it, however, once Phil's hand cupped his face and his lips brushed Dan's. It was the best moment of Dan's life.