They Told You To Stay Away (Jalex)

Terrified to speak

Chapter Eleven
Title from Remembering Sunday by All Time Low

"Jack?" I didn't have time to get up before the door was pulled open, and Danny was standing before me. The shakiness of my body is nearly unstoppable, and I couldn't control my breathing. "What are you.." He trailed off, taking in my surroundings. Vomit was in the toilet, and my knuckles were red with marks from my teeth while I made myself throw up.

I stood up from the toilet a little too fast, getting dizzy but stabalizing myself.

I can't say anything. Tears were already in my eyes, and I could feel my heartbeat in my entire body. I continued to tremble.

"You.. You're making yourself throw up?" he asked, confusion obvious on his face.

I started to cry harder, making it a lot harder to do anything else.

"Why?" he nearly demanded, seeming a little angry.

I would be mad at me, too.

"I-I don't know. I just- I wanted to be skinny enough f-for you and-"

"For me? So this is all my fault now?" he snapped. I instantly shook my head.

"No, I didn't mean it like tha-"

"It's not my fucking fault for telling you the goddamn truth" he yelled, making me jump at his outburst. "Go ahead, feel bad for yourself. You were disgusting. I didn't even tell you that. You were fat and you didn't even know it" he yelled, cornering me in the bathroom. "I didn't tell you to be a drama queen about it and make yourself throw up. Don't blame this on me" he hit my chest hard, making me lose my breath. I was crying, crumbling under him.

"It i-isn't your fault" I cried, trying to catch my breath so I don't end up passing out.

"You're such a fucking baby. I felt bad for you, you know? I pitied you for so long because you had no one, thats why I'm fucking with you" he yelled. I could feel his spit land on my face.

Thats the only reason he's with me? Because he felt bad?

I thought my chest might cave in.

"I'm so-sorry" I cried, before feeling a hit to my face. I instantly brought my hand to it and cried out.

"Shut up!" he yelled, punching me in the face this time. It was a punch mainly delivered to my cheek, but I felt warm blood exit my nose in a steady trickle.

I let myself fall against the wall this time, and he delivered a kick straight to my side, making me lean over in case I threw up. "Don't even fucking look at me, I can't waste my time on you anymore" he said, sounding so angry it scared me. He walked out without warning, leaving me on my cold bathroom floor. I coughed and struggled for breath, getting more lightheaded as I looked at the blood.

I let my head hit the wall, and after an hour of crying in the same spot, I felt peaceful. Not peaceful because of what happened, but peaceful because Danny is finally out of my life. I didn't even know that I wanted that.

I can stop trying to impress him.

***

How do I stop? How do I stop trying to lose more weight? I plan to stop, to maintain. I can't do it, I can't eat without obsessing over calories. I can't go a day without working out.

I sobbed as I looked down at the scale. I gained two pounds. My weight is currently at 116.

I shouldn't be crying, gaining two pounds shouldn't be the end of the world. 116 pounds is really low for someone of my height, I need to gain weight.

I'm in a downward spiral and it's only getting worse. My body is getting weaker and weaker everyday, and I'm watching myself transform into something I never thought I would be.

My ribs come out so far that my entire ribcage is visable, and my hipbones protrude more than I ever thought they could. This is not beautiful, it isn't nice and I know that.

Why can't I stop? I don't want to look like this, and the thought of gaining weight still makes me panic.

I need to stop. I need to stop weighing myself, stop wishing the number was lower. I need to stop with the pushups and the running, and the lack of food.

I have to stop.

My mom said that it looks like I lost a lot of weight, and my dad thought that I was sick, but there wasn't a lot more thought given to it. I hide the amount of weight loss with the same baggy sweatshirts that I used to keep myself from freezing, even in the spring heat.

My grades are even lower now, and I thought that things were falling apart two and a half weeks ago.

It's so hard to imagine myself gaining more weight, it seems impossible.

I have to try.