They Told You To Stay Away (Jalex)

Too Much

Chapter Nineteen
Title from Too Much by All Time Low.

I walked out of the bathroom to find Alex sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at me with a questioning look.

What? I don't want the nurse to check on me while I piss and brush my teeth.

I pulled out my drawer, feeling absolutely exhausted and I did so. I pulled out the jeans that I planned to wear, and a Blink 182 shirt I kept but couldn't wear. I let Alex get a glimpse at it before I shoved it back in my drawer "you can't wear anything with writing on it" I told him. He nodded "I got lucky getting a room with 182 as the number though" I said, pulling the long sleeved black t-shirt I planned on wearing today and walking into the bathroom again.

I took off the sweater I slept in and took off my pants, looking at myself in the mirror. It looked more like reflective aluminum.

I can still see my bones, I still look too awfully skinny. Why would anyone want to look like this?
Why can't I help it?

Alex needs to get ready, I can't make him late just because I feel terrible about myself.

I pulled on my shirt and pulled my pants on. Without being able to have a belt it is rather hard to keep my pants up, but I don't do much so it isn't too much of an issue.

When I got out of the bathroom, he didn't meet my eyes before he went in with his clothes already in hand.

The bathroom is the only thing the nurses are really lenient on, unless it's taking a shower. I guess they think it's stupid to monitor people when they pee and change too.

I wonder how Alex really would react if he knew what was wrong with me. For some reason he feels more real to me than everyone else, and that scares me. It shakes me to the core.

When Alex came out of the bathroom he glanced at me for a short moment before walking out of the room, to breakfast.

Moments later, Tammy came in with my breakfast. Of eggs and a pancake with an extra container of butter and syrup.

No. I can't eat any of this.
I can't get the tube though, especially not with Alex being able to see me, they can't keep him out of his room.

The only time my door can be shut is when Tammy is in here, and I like that because it makes it a little easier to eat, but I really can't eat this.
How many calories is in eggs?
Pancakes?

I felt had a shaky feeling as I looked at it, taking a sip of water before contemplating.

Which has more?
Pancakes for sure, right?
No. No an egg is more.
I think I remember that from somewhere, probably my personal torture research.

"I can't eat the egg" I said, looking up at Tammy with fear that I would get the tube.

"Why? Are you vegan today?" She remarked.
I squinted at her and she sighed "then just eat the entire pancake" she said. She makes it sound so easy.

No. No. No.

I felt my chest start to rise and fall faster than before as I looked down at it, tears clouded my vision.
Some days are just so much harder than others.

"Hey, are you okay?" She asked "do you need me to get Dr.Grace?"

"No" I said quickly "I'm fine" I said, proving myself by using my fork to cut off a piece of the pancake. I looked at it and squeezed my eyes shut before putting it in my mouth and chewing.

Think of something else.

My parents. May. My great aunt.
Nothing.

Alex.
I don't have words for how I feel about him. He annoys me, and frustrates me and at the same time he makes me curious.