They Told You To Stay Away (Jalex)

What it means to be alive

Chapter Thirty
Title from Hometown Heroes, National Nobodies by All Time Low.

"Are you excited to be getting out the day after tomorrow?" Dr.Grace asked with a bright smile.

"Yes, I am. Thank you" I said, honestly. Without her letting me slide by a few rules, I'd never get out.

She looked down at her hands with a light smile.

"It was a boy" I blurted out the answer she never got from me.

She immediately looked up at me with a questioning glance.

"I fell in love with a boy named Danny, and he wanted to hide our relationship. He left, and then I slept around to feel better about myself. After that he got me back, but he would sometimes hit me. He thought that I was fat, and it killed me because all I wanted was to be enough.. eventually my expectations for myself got a lot more brutal than his ever were and I couldn't stop." I explained, she watched intently as I spoke. Hanging onto every word.

No. This wasn't caused by a childhood of sexual abuse, and even if it happened, I'm going to do my best to believe that it didn't.
This wasn't caused by anyone, or being bullied, even though that did happen.

I'm the only one to blame for this, but I'm fixing myself.

I am going to get better for Alex.

But most importantly, Alex makes me want to get better for myself.

"I'm sorry that you had to wait over a year for an answer so simple" I added, watching her start to tear up.

"Jack, you'll never know how proud I am of you" she said, frantically wiping her eyes to save the appearance of her makeup.

I smiled at her, and she left me with a few minutes of silence.
"So, tell me what's going on with you and Alex?" She asked after a long while.

What?

She must've seen the expression on my face because she started to laugh "for a whole year you refuse to utter a word, you refuse to participate in group, or even look anyone in the eyes.. but when Alex comes and he actually grows on you, you're inseparable.. and you're getting better faster than you have in your whole stay"

Does that mean I'm gaining weight?
Getting better.. that must mean that I am gaining weight.

I fought the nervous feeling that attempted to take over.

I smiled at her "I love him"

Dr.Grace nearly squealed. I chuckled and pretended to cover my ears.

After a moment she collected herself, and repositioned herself into her classic therapist form.

I expected her to ask 'and how does that make you feel?'
But instead she asked "how do you know?"
It seemed like more of an interest thing, and for the first time in my life I wondered if she had ever been in love.

"Have you ever been In love?" I asked.

I watched her expression change from questioning to completely dissatisfied with my response.

"I thought that I was once" was her answer, and I knew she wouldn't talk any further on that.

Dr.Grace is a lonely lady who doesn't know love, and she comes into a place like this and tries to fix people.

"I know that I love him, because for the first time in my life, I want to get better" I answered, hopefully giving her what she wants.

She smiled a tearful smile and sat back, seeming happy.

And I hope that she finds love.

***

I love Alex.
I love Alex.
I love Alex.

That's what I thought when I looked at my half eaten tray of food, and decided to eat what was left.

I ate, and I ate no matter how much my head was screaming at me to stop.

I ate because I love Alex, and I want to be healthy for him, and for myself.

I want to stop being cold all the time.
I want to stop being scared of food.
I want to stop seeing my hip bones.

I want to live.

The thoughts kept me going, until I realized that I ate everything on my tray.

Oh God.

I just ate all of that? That must've been three million calories.

I immediately started crying, and the more I thought about the food the worse it got.
I ended up in shaking sobs when Alex came back.

I didn't look at him but I knew he was there. When the nurse took my tray he didn't move, he just stayed.
"Jack.. it's okay, love" he comforted, walking closer to me.

I'm already gaining weight, and now I'm going to gain even more weight.

Breathe. Breathe. You ate so you can get out and live.

"Hey Jack.. you're doing wonderfully. This is great, it's really great. You're doing so well" I heard Dr.Graces encouragement, but I couldn't accept that.

I cried until I couldn't anymore, and after that I laid down under the covers and pulled them up to my ears.

I don't know how long I was there before Alex came over to the edge of the bed. The only spot where he could really see me the way I was laying.
He knelt down and looked into my eyes, and I didn't avoid eye contact.

I probably look terrible.

"I love you so much more than anyone or anything that has ever existed.. or could ever have the possibility to exist" he whispered smoothly.

He's so sweet. I felt myself smile a little bit.

"You're so indescribable, no matter how many words I could say of any language, none of them would ever be able to compare to you.. I never even thought perfection was possible before I met you, but now I believe that it's possible to be more than perfect. Because you've proved that to me" he cooed before he left.

God, I love him.

I love him.
I love him.
I love him.

How did I deserve this?