They Told You To Stay Away (Jalex)

You make me better everyday

Chapter Twenty Eight
Title from If These Sheets Were States by All Time Low.

I cried as I looked at myself, this time in the bathroom so it wouldn't wake Alex.

I'm glad with how things turned out. I'm so happy that Alex and I are friends again, but what if I'm not enough?

What if I'm not skinny enough for Alex?

What if he doesn't even want me? He probably looks at me as a friend and nothing more. I think that would kill me.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten attached.

I pinched at the fat around my stomach and immediately let myself fall in front of the toilet.

Alex wouldn't want me to do this.
What if he thinks I'm ugly when I gain weight?

When I gain weight. Meaning that I'll gain weight one day. Soon. Too soon.

No. No. No. I can't.

I stuck my finger in my mouth, leading me to a coughing fit but nothing came.

No. I hope I can get it up. If I can't get it up what'll I do?
Throwing up already doesn't work the way not eating does, it doesn't make me lose weight, it just keeps me from gaining too much.

I reached up to the sink and turned the water on, hoping that if Alex did end up waking up he would think I was washing my hands or using the bathroom. I grabbed my toothbrush and stuck it in my mouth to touch the back of my throat.

After a second of gagging, I was able to throw up. I looked down at the small amount and decided to try again.
A little more came, but I continued to purge until I was a shaking mess.

I laid my head on the toilet seat. How gross is that? I couldn't help it, I'm too tired to keep my head up. "Jack.." I heard the small and afraid voice of Alex from behind me.

Shit.

He closed the door behind himself as I moved my head to face him.

What do I do? He walked in on me throwing up. I'm so embarrassed, and at the same time angry at myself.
I felt my eyes start to water.

"I know you don't what to talk about this.. you don't have to, but I want to say something" he said, almost nervously as he looked down at me.
"I-I think you're too perfect to be doing this to yourself. I know you might not think you're good enough, but believe me, you are. If there's any reason for me to continue living right now, it's you, and that's really stupid of me to say because I just met you, but you're really fucking important to me. It hurts me when I you do this. I think you're worth everything, I think you're amazing, and you're attractive as well. I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror, but when I look at you I see the literal definition of perfection" he spoke in a whisper, speaking slow so it was easy to hear him.

I let out shaky sobs against the toilet bowl I just spit my guts up in.

Alex.. I don't understand why someone so perfect would end up with me. I don't understand how he's so sweet to tell me all of these things when I've been nothing but terrible to him.

I can tell that he's telling the truth.
He's telling me what he sees.
He thinks I'm perfect.

If I can't get better for myself, I have to get better for him.

"And I can't sleep, so do you want to go back to bed and talk about something stupid?" He added. I tried to give him a smile as I nodded. It took me a moment to pull myself from the ground.
Alex sat there as I washed my toothbrush and my hands before he followed me back into our room.