They Told You To Stay Away (Jalex)

Let me go down

Chapter Twenty Five
Title from Guts by All Time Low.

I've ruined my body. I've ruined my own trust for people, I've ruined my family and my life, and I've ruined my friendship with Alex. The one thing I could look forward to, I ruined it.

There's nothing I can do about it, Alex should've stayed away, I shouldn't have gotten caught up in my feelings. Soon everyone will know whats wrong with me, and the world will end.

The secret everyone has been dying to know will finally be revealed, and i'll die.

I glanced over at Alex for a split second, making sure he didn't catch me looking at him. I miss him, but I know that I can't have him. We were getting too close anyways, maybe this was just bound to happen.

I sighed to myself and squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. Now Alex isn't burdened by me anymore, he can focus on getting out without worrying about me. He's done so good.

I started to pick at my fingernails, a desperate attempt to shut him out of my mind.

"Jack, I know you don't like me..you might even hate me..but I want to help you. I will help you" he begged, tiredly. I could see it on his face, how tired and upset he seemed. "I will fucking help you, I don't care if you never talk to me again, I just want to help you get out" he said harshly, surprising me.

He got up and left the room quickly, I could tell that he was going to cry, and I couldn't get my mind off of him. Why does he care so much?

He thinks that I hate him.

***

I feel like an asshole.

No one has mentioned anything, or acted any differently towards me than normal. Alex didn't tell people what he saw last night, I can tell that he didn't.

Alex has seemed upset all day, he's seemed weak and tired and it  hurts me so much to know that I'm the one that put him there. I just can't open up to him, I can't tell him my secrets, and let him help me.

I've ruined our friendship because I can't let myself trust him.

He thinks that I hate him, and that hurts even more. Alex thinks that I hate him. I understand why he would assume that, but it hurts. Why can't I just break the silence and accept his help?

I can't even help myself.

"Jack. I need you to answer me" Dr.Grace pulled me from my thoughts, and I blinked as I tried to focus. "Is there something wrong with you and Alex? You were in the Day Room almost all day, and Alex was in bed all day. I haven't seen you talk once" she seemed genuinely concerned, and no matter how bad it made me feel, I only shrugged in response.

I'm stubborn. I'm an asshole. I'm terrible.

I've been avoiding Alex all day, mostly because when he's around I get a nervous feeling that makes my hands start to sweat. I feel his saddness and his frusteration and I know that I'm the one that put him in pain.

I can't believe myself. I'm so scared of confronting Alex, I'm so scared of even meeting his eyes because now he knows. He knows I have an eating disorder, and I can't bring myself to even look him in the eyes. He probably thinks i'm disgusting.

"Alright" Dr.Grace dismissed. She's been oddly gentle lately, she's not pryed anything out of me or talked about what I said on the phone with my parents. Maybe she feels bad. She got up and walked me back to my room, smiling at me before she left.

It was only a minute or two later when my nurse came in with a tray from the cafeteria. Oh God, kill me, it's pot roast. How do they even have time to make it?

I felt like the world was ending as I looked down at the steaming plate of pot roast with a side of mashed potatoes. I don't like the smell, and I've never liked pot roast.

I dug my fork into the mashed potatoes and put small bits of it in my mouth, the consistency made it easier to get down. I ended up eating all of the mashed potatoes and a few carrots from the mixture of food.

As soon as Tammy took my tray and settled back in her chair to make sure that I didn't throw up, Alex walked in. Alex climbed in his bed and faced the window to look out. We sat in a miserable silence until my nurse left, and the silence continued to feel thicker and thicker.

"One time when I was eight years old, my brother, my dad and I went fishing in this small lake we found. No one was there so it was really cool. We were sitting there for hours not catching anything but my dad kept claiming that there had to be fish. My brother got his hook caught on a tree and it kinda ruined everything for no reason. He just got really mad at himself, I guess, and I really hated that. I mean, he really didn't do anything wrong. People do that all the time, but i'm not sure if he ever let himself pass on small mistakes like that, you know? My dad kept assuring him it was okay, he hardly talked for the rest of the day. We fished for another few hours though, we never caught anything. My dad hated giving up, at the end he was promising to return because he just knew there was some fish in the pond. I think he has problems with being alone and with giving up" Alex spoke, his voice was tired and strained as he spoke, jumping around on his words thoughtfully.

"Tom never did forgive himself, I don't think, I'm not sure if he even remembered it in the end. Maybe part of life is forgiveness, mainly for yourself, you know? I think i'll try forever to forgive myself, maybe that is my main goal. But i'm not sure, I'm really unsure about everything. I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm sorry, I just don't like it when it's quiet"he finished, fumbling with his words.

Tom was his brother, the one that couldn't forgive himself. The one that was in his dreams when he was talking in his sleep.

Alex doesn't even know why he brought up that story, and I could tell that he didn't know, but I know that the reason it has any significants to him is because he does the same thing.

He can't forgive himself.

In a few seconds, he crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself.

Oh, God, what if he is going to kill himself with his shirt?

What if he's doing something terrible?