They Told You To Stay Away (Jalex)

Flesh and Bone

Chapter Fourteen
Title from Therapy by All Time Low.

"How long have you been trying to lose weight?" Dr.Grace asked, sitting back in her chair.

I shrugged and looked down at my laceless shoes.

"Your sister mentioned that she saw you only a couple of months ago and you were a healthy weight" Dr.Grace said gently, locking her fingers together as she looked at me.

I continued to look between her and my shoes, she expects me to talk. I can't. I don't want to.

"How did you go from healthy to flesh and bone in a matter of months?" She asked, honestly seeming more curious than helpful.

I shrugged again, and she sighed "if you ever want to get better and get out of here you're going to have to talk to me" she said, matter of factly. I glanced up at her and shrugged once more.

"I ate less than two hundred calories a day and ran six miles. Sometimes I did extra to make sure I didn't gain" I said, making sure to give her a look of dissatisfaction.

This whole place makes me feel numb. It makes me feel like less of a person, like I'm a problem that needs to be observed.

I think staying at home and wasting away is what I prefer.

Some people are meant to die.

Dr.Grace looked satisfied that I spoke, and I made a mental note to never give her anything to be satisfied about again.

I'll never get out of here.
I can't eat, I can't make myself eat.
Food has become disgusting to me.
I can't pretend to be better.

Her attitude, and the way she treats me gives me no desire to get better either, I see through her.

"What made you want to lose weight?" She asked, meeting my eyes.

No. I won't talk about that. I won't talk about him.
The only person outside of my family that has ever shown love to me, the one that made it obvious that my problems are too big to add to someone else.
The one who taught me to hate myself.

I didn't reply, or shrug. I looked down at my skinny legs and shivered even inside my sweater.

The hospital is much colder than my house, which makes it much harder to stay warm.

"Did someone tell you that you were fat? That you needed to lose weight?" She asked, her eyes trying to dig holes in my soul.
No answer from me.
"Did you feel self conscious about your weight because of bullying?"
No answer from me.
"Were you sexually abused as a child?" She asked, raising her eyebrows.
No answer from me, yet again.

"Alright" she resorted "tell me something, anything about yourself" she asked.

I waited for a minute before replying "I don't want to be here"

***

"Today's topic for Process Group is teaching acceptance through visualization" Dr.Grace said in her voice that would make me think she was teaching preschool students.

I kept my eyes on the ground.

"Acceptance is one of the most important parts of recovery. It helps us make peace with ourselves, and the things around us that cannot be changed. Acceptance helps to decrease upsetting thoughts, and help us move forward in our recovery" Dr.Grace said, looking around at each of us as she spoke.
I noticed my roommate, Zack sitting across the circle from me. Around him were a lot of unfamiliar faces, some listened to her intently, while others looked unconvinced.