The Secret Life of the Bad Girl

Chapter 24

I stare into my bowl as I sit awkwardly at the table with everyone else. I push my food around and eat a few bites here and there but I'm not really hungry. Everything that happened is starting to sink in. Thomas knows too much. I can't trust him.

"Jay!" Logan says loudly. I look up quickly and realize everyone is staring at me expectantly.

"Umm," I shift uncomfortably, "what?"

"He said we are going to the park do you want to come?" Maggie repeats loudly.

"Oh no thanks. I don't feel too good. I'm going to my room." I stand abruptly and leave without another word.

I go straight to my room and lock the door before changing into a pair of skin tight black yoga pants and a black razor-back tank top. I pull my hair out of its bun and shake out the curls, putting in a black headband. I throw on my a pair of neon pink chacos and look out the window to see if everyone else has left yet. Once I see that they have I grab my purse and head out to my bike.

I throw on a helmet and drive out to my getaway spot. The further I get from home the better I feel. Too much happened there. Too many things remind me of the happenings. And too much pain comes with the memories.

I slowly began to relax as I become one with the sky above me and the road below me. The wind whips my hair around and cools my burning skin. I rush of adrenaline feels my body as I speed around the curves.

Eventually I reach my little haven. As I pull up I notice a familiar truck belonging to a certain brown haired, blue eyed boy.

"Hey hot stuff." Caleb's voice is rough and scratchy. He probably spent the entire morning throwing up if he got as drunk as I did last night. "I thought you'd show up here eventually."

"Yeah..." I trail off self-consciously. I wonder how much of last night he remembers.

"Come here and hug me." He smiles opening his arms towards me.

I smile back and walk over letting him embrace me. He holds on to me tightly and kisses top of my head. Neither of us move or say a word. I just let him hold me.

Finally Caleb sighs and breaks the silence. "What happened last night?"

"What do you mean?" I ask avoiding his gaze and moving away from him.

"Cut the tough girl act Jaylyn. I know that somethings wrong." Caleb says bluntly.

"Don't call me that." I say forcefully. "My name is Jay."

He runs his hand down his face. "Jay please tell me what's wrong. I can't fix it if I don't know what it even is." He begs.

"You can't fix it, Caleb. I'm broken." I yell desperately. "There is no fixing me. Ever." I end in a whisper.

"Jay, you aren't broken." He says adamantly.

"I am! Can't you see?" I cry. "I get drunk to forget, I refuse to get close to anyone, I push away my emotions." Tears begin to stream down my face. "I'm broken. Even the doctors say so."

He shakes his head furiously. His face betraying a mix of emotions. "Let me in, Jay. I'm begging you. Let me try to help."

"He's gone, Caleb. Ethan's gone and he's never coming back and no one can fix it." I sob quietly, covering my face in my hands.

"Jaylyn, what happened was terrible and You have no idea how sorry I am that it did. You did nothing to deserve that. Ethan did nothing to deserve that. If there was anyway I could change the past I would. I would take that bullet for you, Jaylyn. I love you. Please let me in." His voice cracks at the end of his speech.

I don't answer. I just cling to him as the tears continue to fall. He doesn't say anything else, he just holds me tight until the tears subside.
                          •••

"I had the flashbacks again." I whisper curled up against him in the back of his pickup truck. "I just kept drinking and drinking."

"I know." Caleb rubs my back soothingly. "I should have made you stop. I should have taken you home. I'm a horrible friend."

"No you're not." I look up at him before burying my face in his chest. "You are an amazing friend."

"Logan knocked you out, didn't he?" He asks.

I nod. Caleb knows pretty much everything about my situation. I got really drunk at a party with him once and told him. He saw the panic and the nightmares and everything.

"And you had the nightmares?"

I nod again.

"What is wrong with Logan? Doesn't he know how much worse everything is when you can't wake yourself up?" He explodes.

I pat his chest soothingly. "He doesn't mean to hurt me. I really was out of control last night. He never would have done it if I wasn't." I assure him.

He kisses my head again. "I'm sorry," he sighs. "I just hate it when your in pain." His arms tighten around me protectively.

"I know you do."

"I really do love you, Jay. And my offer still stands."

"Caleb, you know I'm not in any position to have a relationship right now." I sigh gently.

"I know," he replies. "But my heart is yours if you ever change your mind."

I look up at him and his eyes are full of hope and affection. I know he's genuinely in love with me. He has been for a while. And I do love him, just not in the way he loves me.

I lean up and kiss him gently, our lips tangling for a few brief moments before I pull away.

"I love you, too, Caleb." I whisper so quietly that I don't think he heard it.  "Always."

I connect our lips again as his hands tangle in my hair.
                           •••

At sunset I head home. I feel much better after the time I spent with Caleb, but then again he always made me feel better. I hum a tune as I zip along to the house.

When I get there I see that Logan's truck is back but Thomas's is gone. I assume he's gone home.

"Logan, Maggie, anyone home?" I call as I walk through the kitchen. "Logan! Maggie!" I call again as I get no response. I frantically run around the house looking for them until I finally find them outside in the pool.

"Oh good you're home." Logan smiles looking up from where he was pushing Maggie around on a float.

"Yeah." I sigh in relief. "And y'all are good."

"Yep. We're good." Maggie giggles. "Go change and then play with us." She pleads, clasping her little hands together.

"Yeah sure." I concede going inside to change into my swimsuit.

I quickly run to my room and change into a dark green one piece with a plunging neckline. I throw my hair into a bun and skip down the stairs back to the pool. Once outside I run and dive cleanly into the water.

"Yay, Jay!" Maggie cheers clapping her hands and bouncing on her float. In all her excitement she loses her balance and falls into the water with a small splash.

Logan and I both burst into laughter at her misfortune. Maggie sputters, hair covering her face, when she comes back up. "Not funny guys." She whines, making the two of us laugh even harder.

In that moment I realize that even though the past can't be changed, I'll always have the future, and I'll always have people who love me.