Raped

Chapter 10: Lies

ELLA

"Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

I sit there. In a room with toys for children and a table to talk. But I don't really want to talk. I don't want to talk about my past, or who I was, or I was hiding from. I don't want to talk at all.

"Please tell me the truth" she sighs as she rubs her temples in frustration.

I just stare at my hands. My clean hands. Every time I'd take a shower, I scrub and scrub and scrub hoping maybe one day I will feel clean again. But I won't. I know I won't. It doesn't matter who I was. I'm not her anymore. I am who I choose to be. And I choose to be the girl who wants to fight. I don't want to be afraid the rest of my life scared thinking he might one day come back. I'm tired of people always controlling my life. I want to control my life for once.

"Please just tell me" she says as she places her hands above mine in comfort.

"I was 16 when he first raped me. I went to the police. He came back and raped me again. He told me that if I went to the police again he'd kill me. So I took back my story. He raped me 2 more times the next year. Then the FBI got involved. Said he'd been killing all throughout the country and I was his only living victim. They put me into witness protection. I never saw my family again after that. Told everyone I had died in a car crash" I snort.

"They changed my name, gave me a new family and I pretended everything was okay. But it wasn't. They took me to therapy and counseling. Nothing worked. Then when I was 19 I met someone who loved me for who I am. He never hurt me. He treated me like he loved me. And I knew. I knew he was the one. And he still is" I continue.

"Grayson made everything feel okay" she sighs.

"Yeah, he did. Even if he didn't know who I was, he still loves me" I smile faintly.

Who knows if he'd still love me if he knew the things that I kept from him. He'd probably never want to see me again. I wouldn't blame him.

~

My next checkup had come faster than I wanted it to. Knowing every single that that I am carrying the children, not of the person that I love, but of the person that raped me multiple times.

"Okay here we go" she says as she runs the ultrasound gel all over my barely noticeable stomach.

"They're both very healthy, and their heart rate are perfectly normal"she smiles.

I smile. As much as I hated the thought of my rapist being their father, I can't hate my own children. It'd be impossible to hate them. Maybe one day they'd learn the truth. Maybe they'd hate me forever. But I'd still love them regardless. I will always love them.

"So I will print out the ultrasound for you" she smiles and walks out.

I lay there staring at the ceiling hoping this is all just a dream. But sadly it isn't. It's my own reality. And no matter how hard i try, I'll never escape it.

"So here you go" she hands me the ultrasound pictures.

"Come back here in 4 weeks, you'll be 3 months by then" she adds.

"Alright thank you" I smile and leave.

2 months pregnant. Next month I'll be showing. I'm running out of time on how to tell Grayson. I wish it was as easy as never telling him.

There were days where I had considered abortion. But I couldn't bring myself, too. I wouldn't be fair to them. They're so innocent, unlike their father. But they shouldn't have to pay for his actions.

~

As soon as I close the door to the house he's sitting there. He's just on the couch watching tv.

"Hey babe" he looks over his shoulder.

"Hey" I faintly smile.

"Where'd you go?" He questions, his attention still on the tv.

"To talk with my agent" I lie.

"What'd he say?"

"That I need to get back to being a model as soon as possible or else people will start to jump to conclusions on what happened" I lie again.

"Oh, are you ready to go back?" He asks.

"I'm not sure" I say as I sit down next to him.

"What I am sure of is that I'm starving and craving pizza" I smile.

"Let's go get pineapple-"

"No, I'm eating pepperoni pizza" I cut him off.

"But I'm still eating my pineapple pizza"

"Alright let's just go get pizza" I laugh.

Maybe I could tell him over pizza. Or maybe I won't tell him at all. Maybe I'll just let him figure it out. No. I have to tell him myself. I can't wait any longer. I have to tell him now.

But how will I tell him that everything he knows about me is all lies. My family is a lie. My life is a lie. What if our relationship is a lie? No, I love him. Everything that I kept from him kept me safe. And most importantly him, too. I might've not told him everything but that's the one thing I didn't do.

Lie.