I'll Wait Forever

-34-

I sat staring out the window for what felt like an eternity, just waiting for something- anything to come back into my sight. Why would Gerard just come in and leave like that? It made no sense. Suddenly I remembered the envelope I had been handed and slowly made my way to my light switch. I flicked it on and winced as my eyes adjusted to the lighting. Once I could see, I glanced at the writing on the back of the envelope that read 'Frank'. It looked as though a five year old had written it, so it was obviously from Gerard.

Why would he give me this? That thought played over and over in my head until I couldn't take it anymore and finally ripped open the seal and pulled out the note inside.

I tentatively unfolded it and attempted to make out the barely readable pencil scribbles-

'Frank,

I'm so, so sorry. You have no idea. This was never how I pictured things. This is never how I wanted things. You have to believe that.

Things between us happened very quickly, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But... There is something wrong with me. And I know that you know something isn't right. All of those times where I've... Where I've frightened you... I wasn't in control then. Believe me. That was the other piece of me. The piece that I'm forced to keep hidden. The piece that I'd hoped you would never have to see.

But you did see it. More than once. And while I'm not in control, I can see what I'm doing to you. I can see the fear behind your eyes. And it kills me inside. It fucking kills me.

This past time, it's been worse than it ever has. The darkness inside me knows how close we are. And I can't stop it from wanting to... end... what we have. It won't ever leave me completely, and I know that I can't keep it at bay forever.

That's why I brought you this.

I'm sorry, Frank. But in order to keep you safe, I have to stay as far from you as I can. I can't drive you places anymore. I can't come see you in the orphanage anymore. And I can't bring you here anymore. I'm so sorry. But this is the end of us. And you have to believe that I'm keeping you away because of myself, because I can't trust myself not to hurt you. I just can't.

Thank you, Frank, for showing me happiness and allowing me to care for someone again. I will never forget you. And I will always have a special place for you in my heart.

Please don't be upset by this, it's for the best. We both know that.

This is because I love you, Frank. I always will.

xøG'

My hand holding the pieces of paper fell. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.

I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to think. Because if I did... It meant this was real. It meant Gerard was really gone from my life... and I couldn't process that.

I sank to the floor. I didn't cry. I didn't move. I just laid there and listened to my heart beating, practically being able to hear it breaking. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.

-

"Frank," I heard Emma calling me. I didn't respond. "Frankie boy, c'mon I'm bored. Get dressed and then convince Gerard to take us somewhere." She was directly outside my door now, not knowing I was sitting right next to it.

I listened as she twisted the knob, but failing to open the door as I had locked it. I heard her groan as she walked away, presumably back to her room.