It's Just Not That Easy

Chapter 17: I Didn't Know

"How long is it since I saw you last?" He took a few seconds to answer. Me and Luke were sitting by side on the front of his car, blanket draped over the both of us.

"I've been away about 3 weeks maybe" He never really told me where he went. Just because I trusted him, didn't mean I trusted him. In the sense that I wasn't even his girlfriend and I was worried that he might have been spending that time with another girl.

"How are the boys?" He nodded.

"They're really good, they're doing okay" I nodded. "How are your family?" I knew he didn't care about my friends, which is properly why he didn't ask.

"They're okay" We spoke about random things for a little while. Things that held no meaning whatsoever. He was looking up out at the sky. I kept looking at him for a minute. "You okay Lu?" I spoke, normally he could tell if I was staring at him. I frowned, tapping his shoulder lightly. "Hey..." He blinked a few times, looked at me and hummed as a motion of asking what. "Are you okay?" I spoke. He rested his head on the car facing me. He pushed his lips together and nodded.

"My heads just a bit fucked at the moment" I frowned. My heart squeezed together. He bit the inside of his lip looking at me. I moved a little closer to him. He reached out, rubbing my arm slightly. "I'm okay" He tried to reassure me. I just looked at him. I moved the blanket over a bit so it wasn't baggy between us, and sat next to him properly.

"What's going on?" I mumbled at him. He had a constant stressed out face.

"My head's just gone Katie, finding things difficult at the moment" He spoke. I turned, sitting cross legged facing him. He smiled lightly, putting his hand on my back. He sat up a little too, using his hands to push him up. I took his and lightly pushed my fingers through his, and he let me so freely. He got me up when I was down, so I was going to get him up. I leaned up, pressing on his shoulder and lightly kissed his forehead, lingering for a few seconds. He squeezed my hand as I did so. He took his other hand, and ran his fingers over my knuckles nonchalantly.

"I'm here for you to get things out that big head of yours" He pushed his lips together again. "I'm serious Luke, what are you thinking about?" He took his time, and I didn't speak again.

"My job, my family, Ireland, you" He reeled off.

"Is it getting too much being here?" I asked cautiously. I knew it was hard for him. He moved his lips slightly and squinted.

"It's getting harder, it's not so much here it's everything" I nodded.

"What are you finding difficult?" He took his time once again, but I wasn't pushing him any further. 

"Can I tell you about my job?" He spoke hopefully. I knew about his job. I nodded straight away. He squeezed my hand together with his two, trapping it within.

"Of course you can" I mumbled. He seemed to be a little out of breath, extremely conflicted as he sat with his eyebrows scrunched together. 

"I don't work in the video shop darling" He mumbled, frowning slightly upset. I froze up slightly, a sick feeling filling my stomach.

"What do you mean?" I whispered, much more softly than I wanted it to be.

"I'm not really supposed to talk about it too much" So I had to be quiet. "I'm away so much because I go on tour" What the fuck. My stomach dropped to the floor, as my eyebrows subconsciously lifted slightly. "Me and the boys" All of them? Was he taking the piss? "We're instrument engineers for a band, so I've got to stay on the down low" I took a breath, trying to process all this new information that was hitting me. It was confusing, but on the greater scale of things, it made sense, and explained so much. "Moving around all the time is getting hard, living out of a suitcase, being away from my family, then being away from here as well" He groaned slightly, knocking me out of thoughts. "So much fucking pressure" I let him speak, and I think by listening it encouraged him to speak more. "I miss my family" He mumbled, making me nod. "I can't do anything about it, and I'm thankful for everything but it's so mentally draining and physically tiring, you know?" He mumbled. I nodded again. I thought he had finished, but he carried on. "I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking of us... It's all so much" He sighed. "Sometimes I just feel like I'm wasting my time thinking for the future instead of living in the moment, you know?" I nodded as finished. My heart was beating a bit faster. He had opened up to me before, but this was slightly on a new level.

"I don't believe you're wasting your time... In the moment, you're thinking of the future, waiting for it because it's positive?" I questioned and he nodded. "Whatever you're thinking about is obviously making you feel better, I think you would be wasting your time in that moment thinking about everything else... because all that matters in that moment is your mindset! That isn't wasting time, it's showing how strong you are, taking care of your mental health... If thinking about it is going to get you through that moment then you're not wasting time, you're spending it wisely..." I spoke my mind, dragging off at the end because I kind of went on a little. A little smile grew on his face. "I don't know if that makes sense..." I mumbled. He nodded instantly.

"No, I understand" I shrugged innocently. I lightly ran my fingers through his blonde hair, making him bite his lip. 

"All that matters to me is this" I tapped lightly on his head. "Whatever is going to make everything in this head of yours okay I am a fan of, regardless of what it is" I sighed. "Even if I make it my life goal to find something that will" He smiled at me.

"I don't think you're going to have to look far my love" My stomach flew around in knots. "You are the brightest star in my life, and when I need guidance, or even the slightest of hope that everything will be okay my mind instantly thinks of you" I couldn't help but smile at him. I was always relieved that he felt that way, and entirely honoured at the same time. I squeezed his hand. I shook my head almost. 

"Knowing that you are okay, physically but more so mentally, is so, so important to me" He grinned at me, making me smile. I leaned down, resting my chin on his chest before sitting next to him and resting my head on his shoulder. He slid his arm around me and pulled me closer. I was trying to be happy, but the realisation that he had lied to me for months was underlying. He turned his head, gently kissing my hair. 

"I wrote you a song" He mumbled into my head. I sat up and looked at him. He wrote his own songs?! I was overwhelmed, by the fact I knew who Luke was and it weren't the Luke he actually was.

"You didn't" I laughed nervously. He smiled softly, nodding his head.

"Do you want to hear this one?" This one? Like there were many? I nodded my head straight away. He passed me the blanket, and jumped off the car. In no time, he grabbed his guitar out the boot and came back.

"You're lying to me" I spoke, no way was this song going to be about me. He smirked, rolling his eyes at me.

"You're not supposed to hear this" He bit his lip, rubbing his head. I tilted my head.

"Then why you showing me?" I spoke carefully. I was trying not to smile, because I was nervous. I hated being nervous, and he was the only one who ever made me it these days.

"I know I've betrayed your trust, and I guess this explains some of the things I can't quite get into words" I nodded, slightly. 

"What's it about?" I mumbled, wrapping the blanket around myself.

"It's like, when I'm awa-... I think it will explain itself" I smiled, nodding at him. "Shit" He breathed out. "I guess this is it" He started strumming on his guitar before singing to me. He sung, and I was in awe of him. I pouted, slightly, realising the mood changing thing. I was falling in love with him, and it made me upset because as amazing as he was all he did was lie. A tear or two started falling down my face at how beautiful it was, without me even realising it. He strummed out eventually. He shuffled around a little, putting the guitar on top of the car. He looked at me, and I couldn't even get my words out. I couldn't think of anything; my head was clouded and all I could think of was him. Before I let him say anything else I leaned forward and kissed him. I felt him smile a little before he kissed me back. I lightly brought my hand up to his face, letting him pull me closer to him. We kissed like we were in love, because I wanted him and he didn't want me like that, but in this moment it felt like he did. No one lies so extensively to the people the respect, surely? All these doubts were shoved to the back of my head, and I couldn't bring them up right now. My problem was that I was too nice, and it got me fucked over in the end.

"Luke, you mean the world to me" I told him. It was stupid, because he wasn't my boyfriend, we weren't even technically going out with each other. He grinned instantly, pulling me closer to kiss me again. I never felt more relieved in my life, but I felt loved and I couldn't help it. 

"You deserve everything" He mumbled over my lips, giving me little kisses. "I want you to have everything".