It's Just Not That Easy

Chapter 19: The Worst In Me

"Leading me on?" I spoke, pushing my lips together, raising my eyebrow in shock. Was this really happening right now?

"No, hang on, I didn't mean it in the sense you think I have-" I wasn't going to deal with this right now, I was in no mood to be arguing with him as well as my mother.

"Hey, Luke, I'm gonna go to bed... so" I interrupted him, getting out awkwardly.

"No, for fucks sake wait, I'm not leading you on-" He said firmly, and quickly at that.

"Night, yeah..."

"Kati-" I hung up on him. I could tell this was going to be the start of something kind of different that wouldn't end for a while. What he said got stuck in my head, and I couldn't forget about it, yet I was going to pretend that I had. I shot my guard up and down so often these days, and maybe I wouldn't have to do that if I had just kept it up like I was planning to the whole time. I pushed any type of feeling I had to the back of my head. I didn't fancy Luke, since when were me and Luke a thing? It's all new to me...

I woke up early, showering, drying and styling my hair, doing my makeup, then finally getting some work done before I could chill. An exciting morning in the lifetime of me. Not. The door knocked.

"Come in!" I shouted impulsively, cringing physically when I realised who it was going to be. The door opened slowly, and I turned to look who it was, Luke, obviously. My friends shout or walk in, the boys normally just walk in, but Luke knocks when we're not on good terms. He hadn't done anything wrong really, I know he was just being nice to be, he didn't need to pretend and I don't know why he acted like the way he did if it was fake. "Hey Luke" I said with no emotion. He looked at me sceptically, before slowly walking over and sitting next to me on the couch. "Have a good time wherever you went?" I said, kind of salty. He never did tell me, not always anyways.

"Yeah, it was awesome, hey, we need to talk" He spoke firmly.

"Are the boys okay?" I asked, ignoring his statement whatsoever. Talking was the last thing I wanted to, not in the way he wanted to anyway. He hesitated, I carried on looking at my laptop.

"They're fine, put the laptop down for a second..." I pulled a face, turning my head.

"Just say it, I've got to get this done" I said, not caring for the conversation whatsoever, and it was starting to work him up. There were a few seconds of silence.

"You're watching Netflix and looking at coats" He said blatantly. I nodded, pushing my lips together condescendingly.

"I know, important right?" He was literally sitting right next to me, so he didn't have to move much to pull my earphones out, pause the show and take the laptop off me. I put my hands up and let him do whatever he was doing. I looked at him, pretending to be clueless. I didn't want to think about it. It hurt what he said, obviously because I liked him, but I wasn't just going to let him carry on.

"We're talking" He nodded, raising his eyebrows up.

"I can multi-task" I went to grab the laptop from the side of him but he pushed his arms out blocking me.

"Serious talk" I stopped trying. He put his hand on my knee but I slipped back away from him, right along to the other side of the couch. He watched carefully, with his mouth open slightly, clearly not expecting me to move away from him.

"Okay, the talk..." He turned to face me.

"Look at me..." I frowned and looked at him, scoffing silently.

"For fucks sake Luke, just tell me what you need to if it's so damn important" He went to take my hand but I took it away from him. "Just say it" I always listened to him if he had contact with me. It was stupid, but holding his hand took all my attention, and he knew it.

"About that phone call-" He started.

"You don't need to explain yourself, I understood" I smiled, extremely falsely. He wasn't happy at me for interrupting him. I was rude but I didn't care.

"No, you don't understand at all" He said to me, staring me right in the eyes, like he was trying to make me see sense.

"Yes I did, and I don't need to hear you say it again" I pushed my lips together and got up walking to the kitchen. He followed instantly, standing on the other side of the island.

"But, you think I'm leading you on and you're wrong... Okay, you're not wron-"

"GROGAN" I shouted, losing my temper extremely quickly. "I fucking get it alright, I don't want to talk about it!" I threw my hand up, trying to get my point across.

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" He shouted back, making me take a big intake of breath. "THREE TIMES NOW AND YOU THINK YOU UNDERSTAND BUT YOU DON'T" I stopped, held back and just watched him get angry. Angrier than me. "Fuck yeah, I was leading you on!" He shrugged, throwing his hands up, laughing at himself. "Maybe..." He proposed. "But I am leading myself on just as much" He tried to reason. I frowned softly. I was pissed off he was shouting, but I wasn't ready for this conversation and I didn't know how to feel. He was moving his arms everywhere, pulling at his hair. "The boys get mad at me because they think I'm leading you on into falling for me, when I leave nearly every week so we can't actually be together, so by doing this" He pointed in between us bother. "It's unfair to you..." He tensed his jaw, scrunching his eyebrows together. "So I tell them about other girls so they will stop watching my every move with you! I didn't mean what I said" My eyes went wider at his words. "You always assume the worst in me" He snarled, brushing his hand off, turning to the side. "You think I don't want to make a fucking move? I don't think you want to know how it hurts that I'm probably never going to be able to!" He spoke so loudly. It wasn't a roar, but I didn't understand why he was shouting at me. His face was red. He realised he shocked me because he didn't take his eyes off me as he ran his hands through his hair, gently tugging on the ends. I also didn't understand why we couldn't be together. Him being away wasn't a problem to me. Tears gently started filling up in my water line. They didn't fall over, I was just emotional. Maybe this should be the end. He was looking down at the floor, when he looked back up he looked so hurt, it hurt me.

"I don't assume the worst in you" I mumbled. He let out a breath significantly and looked up, before walking straight over to me and pressing his lips against mine. He took my face in both his hands, and kissed me gently. I was so taken back but my heart hurt like crazy. I didn't hesitate to kiss him back, and when I did he just kissed me back. I brought my hands up, resting on his neck and the other on his chest. He didn't try push it, he lightly let go and kept his head resting against mine. He kept his eyes shut. I pouted slightly, stepping up to lightly kiss his nose. I small smile stayed only momentarily on his face before he frowned again. His eyes fluttered open, and he leaned down, kissing me one more time. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me, not again.

"Babe, I can't do this to you anymore" I took my head off his, keeping in distance of him as he kept his touch on me, but I frowned.

"What do you mean?" The question I asked all too many times.

"I'm so sorry, I can't keep you anymore"