I Hope You Dance (Artemi Panarin)

Isolation Theory

Gabriella

"So, what is there to do around here" Artemi asks as we wash dishes together after dinner.

"There's a lot to do. There's two zoos, the pier, two parks, Michigan Avenue never disappoints, there's also a cubs or bulls or bears game you can always catch. The possibilities are endless" I explain.

"I would love to see it all someday" he sighs.

"I can show you... I mean, if you would like" I offer.

"Really" he lights up.

"Yeah, I would love to" I admit.

"Well I can't wait" he claims.

Since he doesn't have a phone that works here yet I tell Yuila to contact me when he wants to go see the city or give him my number when he gets his phone. I say my goodbyes to everyone and give the kids a hug before going to my car.

I get in and drive a little ways until I get into my downtown apartment. I go up to the top floor and let myself in.

"Hi Hank" I smile bending down to pet my little husky dog. He was still a puppy in my eyes although he's almost two now, but he's the first thing I ever truly loved so he will never grow up according to me. He barks a few times because he was just as happy to see me and I try to shush him so the neighbors don't get cranky again.

I go into my room and change into a pair of hello kitty shorts and a old t shirt from college before going to the kitchen to fix myself a cup of hot tea. Maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight? I take my cup and head into my office then sit at the desk. I stare at the piles of all the things I need to do, all the things I should do, and all the things I want to do. I decide to do the ladder of the things and pull out a drawing pad. I pick up a pencil and start to tap the paper. I wasn't sure what to draw but there was a image etched in my mind right now crying to get out.

Eventually I just close my eyes and let out a deep breath. I put pencil to paper and go to work.

I start by drawing a pair of eyes so soft and inviting. Near the pupil they were the color of the land and then it fades to the color of the seas. The best of both worlds captured in two glass balls that rest upon his face. I add long eyelashes and bushy eyebrows to accent the eyes nicely. Next I draw up the cutest nose I've ever seen. It fits the face beautifully and has a little button shape on the end, the kind of nose you want to kiss first thing in the morning. Then I draw a set of lips that whisper the sweetest nothings at early hours of the the day and the dirtiest secrets late at night. The kind that can say the craziest things just to make you smile before pulling into a smile themselves. Then I draw that smile that never goes away, never fades from his face. The smile that brightens the world even in the darkest of days. The smile that can make even the saddest of people feel good inside, even if it's just for a little while. Then I start to shape the face and add a few blemishes. I add this crazy curly brown hair that was wild and could not be tamed, yet looked so soft. I add some hair to the chin and a little above the lip and it was done.

And it was Artemi... why did I just draw him? I mean I knew the answer, but I didn't want to admit it.

Being a psychologist is hard, because stuff like this happens a lot and it's technically my duty to analyze and hypothesis why it is even though I'm afraid to know. But it wasn't that hard to figure out why this happened. The unconscious mind becomes the conscious when in a controlled and familiar environment such as the one I'm in. Surrounded by things I don't want to do I make time for the things I do want, even if I don't realize I want it. A Freudian slip of some kind.

I draw to create separation from my reality and apparently in my dreams it's Artemi. I would be shocked but out of all the things from my subconscious that surfaces unwillingly, he sure was the nicest. This drawing wasn't going to make me scared shitless, not intentionally at least.

And I know just why I drew him, it's because I could never be with him even though I wanted to be. It's because he's something great that I cannot have so I have to dream about it instead. And while I'm at peace with my life, sometimes I want more than I allow myself to have. I've spent so much time building up my walls that it would be almost impossible for him to get in. Sometimes I just want to be with someone who cares about me. Someone who won't judge me because I'm different than most people. Someone who wouldn't be so focused on my past but rather a brighter future. But I can't have that with someone else because I can't even have that with myself.

I look over to the clock and see it's 3 am... great. I take my tea and warm it up again before returning to my office. I look through things I need to do and let out a sigh. I pick up some of my cases and go over my notes. Make some conclusions and see if I can dig something up. I was only meeting with one person this morning so I figured I'll see what we're talking about.

By the next time I look at the clock it's 6 am and the sun was starting to rise.

"Shit" I groan as I realize it was time to switch from tea to coffee.

I start a fresh brew and pour myself a cup black. I lean against my counter holding my cup tight and try to aid my tired eyes. I really need to stop staying up all night, it can't be good for my brain. I wait for the coffee to kick in before getting my day started.

I feed my dog before changing into some workout clothes and decide to go out for a run. I grab Hank for a run around the block, the same path I always take, listening to the same songs I always do, and make it back at the same time every day. I jump in the shower and wash away all the sweat and lack of sleep. I shave what needed to be shaved and jump out the shower before the water turned cold. I change into a black skirt that stops below my knees and red blouse before pulling on a pair of black heels. I straighten my hair letting it nearly reach my butt. I put on makeup so it didn't look like I stayed up all night then called it a day.

I pick up my brief case and head out to start my day. I go to dunkin doughnuts and grab another coffee before going to my office. I say hi to the few people already there before I log onto my computer and pull up what I need.

There's a knock on my door and I welcome in the client. He sits across from me and smiles big.

"Good morning Gabby" he greets me.

"Good morning Mr. Toews" I reply.

"Come on, you can call me Jonathan by now" he insists.

"Okay, Jonathan" I reply and he smiles. "Let's get to work" I encourage.