I Hope You Dance (Artemi Panarin)

Anxiety Attack Theory

Gabriella

"Shoot the puck" Lindsey yells as we sit up in the boxes. I was still getting used to being here and with the other people, but like most things I stuck to what I know in order to feel comfortable, and that was Lindsey. I talk to the other wives and girlfriends from time to time, but I was most comfortable with Lindsey.

"That was a shitty power play" she mumbles as the guy comes out of time out box and got to join his friends to thank them for getting him off the hook.

"They need more traffic in front of the net. They can't take the goalies eyes away so they can't pick up on rebounds or get the original shot past him" I shrug. She sits there with her mouth open and I laugh. "What! I listen to you" I giggle.

"You're like a sponge" she laughs.

"It's a blessing and the curse" I mumble.

It comes to the end of the game and people start leaving. I usually waited until Artemi was done before I left so I chill out with Lindsey and Amanda to pass the time. I love being by myself but not in unfamiliar places so I needed them by me.

"Do you and Artemi have any Valentine's Day plans" Amanda asks trying to make a simple conversation.

"Not that I'm aware of. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have plans" I admit.

"Does he like surprises" she wonders.

"He loves them, and I will admit he is quite good. He's kind of a romantic and he's really in touch with his feminine side. And please don't tell him I told you that. I'll never hear the end of it" I shake my head.

"It's not just him, it's a hockey player thing. If I told someone the amount of times Jon and I watched the notebook I will be single right now" she laughs. Good to know I wasn't the only one dealing with a hockey ego.

We get to talking about the boys and share a bunch of laughs. Even though these girls are nothing like me, they're the closest things I have to a friend around here that isn't Russian. To someone who can understand what I'm going though, though I will never be able to be like them.

"So, has Artemi met your parents" Lindsey asks and I freeze. My grip on my water bottle tightens causing it to crinkle under my skin. It wasn't a unfamiliar question for someone in a serious relationship but for me this question is the one I feared the most.

"Um... no" I admit. I feel the color drain from my face as I stare at the ground.

"Why not" she wonders and I swallow the throw up threatening to spill from my lips.

"I don't talk to my parents. I don't even know if they're alive" I admit hoping that's her clue to drop this conversation.

"Seriously? Aren't you like 23, most people are still pretty attached to their parents at that age" Amanda admits.

"I never was attached to them to start with" I fended.

"Oh, so you kind of ran away" she wonders.

"Kind of" I say softly.

"So were you raised by your grandparents or something" Lindsey asks.

I feel my heart rate pick up and eventually the sound of my heart pounding in my chest rings out in my head. Thud after thud my heart jumps out my chest trying to get back in rhythm with my body. But it doesn't work as my breathing too becomes erratic, the occasional wheezing sound passing my lips.

"Are you okay" Amanda asks. I feel my blood run cold causing me to become a ice statue. But my heart was beating so hard I felt like it was going to shatter me.

"I'm not feeling too well... I'm going to go home" I say softly. I carefully get up from my seat trying to find my legs. I wobble a little but have enough strength to find my purse and fling it over my shoulder.

"Do you want me to walk you to your car" Amanda asks and I shake my head. My voice was weak just like my body and I knew I needed to get the hell out of there as quickly as I could. My eyes fixated on the ground as I try not to pass out again.

"I'll be fine" I whisper.

"Was it something we said" she asks.

"I'll be fine" I repeat never looking up. I head to the door and I hear them whisper behind me. But soon after their whispers are gone my head is filled with whispers of my own. But these whispers are screaming inside my head. It's every possible thing that can and will go wrong and it's taking me over.

I make it to my car before totally breaking down. I scream and scream until my voice starts to go. My arms wrap around myself as a hug to try and calm myself down. Only then do my screams quiet enough for the panic attack to stop and for the anxiety to take over. I try to stop the tears from falling but I can't, there's no way to stop it.

I somehow drive home and get up to my apartment. There I see Artemi standing outside my door pacing in front of it. As soon as he sees me he runs over and grabs my face. He can see in my eyes that I was really going through it and his face falls.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again" he says pulling me into his chest. I wrap my arms around him as the sobs continue.

"How did you beat me home" I cry.

"I've been here for about a hour. You weren't answering my calls and texts but Amanda said you were coming here so I waited" he explains.

"Waited? I just left the arena" I try.

"It's nearly 2 am" he insists. I look at my phone and through all the missed calls and messages was a clock that said 1:47 am. Time sure does fly by when you are complete destroying yourself.

We break apart and he holds my face in his hands. He wipes away a tear and lets out a long sigh.

"What happened" he asks so softly. He was asking because he wanted to make me feel better, not because he was trying to figure me out. That is why he was so easy to open up to.

"I had a anxiety attack" I explain.

"How come" he questions.

"The girls... they brought up my parents" I start.

"I knew I should have warned them about that" he mumbles.

"No Artemi, it's okay. They didn't know. And I don't want them walking on glass around me, that's why I haven't told them" I insist.

"But what if they say the wrong things" he asks.

"Everything is the wrong thing to say in this situation. If I made a list of things that triggered me and gave it to everyone no one would even bother taking to me. The thing about anxiety is I don't know when it'll happen or why, but I know it's coming. I can feel it in my chest. It's like being buried alive by thousands of pounds of sand. Each little grain represents something small in my life that attributes to my anxiety. One by one it's adding up and eventually it's so heavy it starts to break me, to suffocate me. Because one little grain of sand can't hurt anyone, but a million of them working together to crush me most certainly can. And while you can walk on the beach with anxiety, the beach can also kill you" I explain.

"I just... I want you to be rid of all of this. I want you to walk on the beach not worried about how much of it you can take until you break. You are an amazing human being, I wish I could begin to describe just how incredible you are. But no words in any order can do you justice. I know you're strong, you don't need to tell me that. But when Amanda told me something was wrong I knew it wasn't good. I just want you to be okay" he insists.

"I'll be okay, eventually. But my anxiety won't ever go away, it'll all add up eventually and it'll break me right down again. And then I'll start all over, building myself back up a little stronger than before hoping that was the last time that happened."

"Are you going to be okay" he wonders.

"I will be" I insist.

"Do you want me to sleep with you tonight" he asks.

"I would love that" I admit.

We crawl into bed and he holds me close like always. And in his arms I feel a little of the weight lifted off of my chest allowing me to breath. He was my antidote.