I Hope You Dance (Artemi Panarin)

Stages of Personality Thoery

Gabriella

After Artemi was back in Chicago for a while we get settled back in. Things got back to normal but thing were also different. It felt different.

He was over a lot more which I didn't mind. He knew when I needed to be by myself so he let me be and when I was having a rough time so he would be there. Sometimes I couldn't get out of bed to go for a run with him so he would bring me a cup of coffee and a new book instead. Maybe I couldn't sleep and he would stay up with me until I finally did. It was things like that that helps me realize just how important someone like him is for someone like me.

There are thousands of people who fight the same demons I do and they do it alone. I did for 23 years and now I have someone who helps. No, he won't cure me. He won't make my anxiety go away and I won't wake up one day a changed person. But even though it sucks, it sucks just a little bit less now that he's going through it with me.

"So what are you writing about" Artemi asks as I sit in the living room typing away on my computer.

"It's about a patient, I can't tell you" I insist.

"I didn't ask who you were writing about, just what" he insists.

"Okay. Well this patient is having issues and he doesn't know why so I'm writing down what to talk about at the next appointment to explain it.

Basically there's eight stages in life and each one has a crisis along with a solution. Although the word crisis is scary that basically means a turning point, not always a bad thing. And from that point there's two options: a maladaptive reaction which is negative and a adaptive reaction which is positive. Only once we solve the crisis can we move to the next one to face it. If we don't solve it then when the issues come up again later in life we cannot understand or overcome it.

This patient had problems in the fifth stage of development so when the problems presented themselves again he or she was not able to overcome them because as a child he or she reacted maladaptivly which is causing the issues now" I explain.

"When is the fifth stage" he asks.

"That's adolescence or ages 12-18. It's a pivotal time for most people and many patients incur problems during that time. I have to go back and figure out what happened to cause this reaction and how to stimulate a new one to counteract the last one" I shrug.

"So if someone had troubles as a young kid... what's stage would that be and how would he fix it" he wonders.

"Depends on the age. Three to five is the third stage and six to eleven is the fourth. Both important but they play different roles depending on who we are talking about and what the issue is."

"What does this theory say about kids who had problems around those times" he wonders and I turn to him.

"Why are you asking me this" I wonder.

"Because I want to know what would have been different if my parents would have kept me. What would have happened if they would haven't given up on me so easily and I could have grown up in a better situation" he insists.

"Okay. I guess we can talk about this. But I usually charge" I tease and he laughs. "The third stage is the locomotor-genital stage, it's where people start to find out who they are. From what I know about you and based on how you act and talk now I would guess your problems root back to then.

From ages three to five we learn so much about who we are and why. You were starting to see what separates you for other boys your age and for you it was your parents. The locomotor stage is where parents start to shape a child into what they want to be. As the kid becomes more curious the parental figures try to guide them down a perfected path. There's a lot of "no you can't do that" or "go outside and play" to get a kid to fall into whatever roll a parent hopes. Most girls learn to cook and play dress up and boys go out on bikes and make things in the back yard with their dad. At least by social convention. It's also hard to deal with without parents. If you react to lack of attention and figuring out who you are you can become maladaptive and moghy become confused about who you want to be. That might carry into later in life. You might not one day be a dad but you don't know because as a kid you never thought about it with yours gone. You might want to be a husband but since your parents separate at a young age maybe you will do that same. You can become hurt easily by the fact other people had something you didn't at that time, and that includes having parents. It's hard, being three or four or five and not really get what you're doing or why. That is the start of how the world perceives a person, how they behave in the real world" I say.

"So for me..." he trails off.

"For you it's hockey. You said you started when you were five or six right" I ask.

"Yeah" he nods.

"So your crisis in that stage was finding out who you were without your parents there telling you what to do. And your adaptive solution was hockey. It turned you into who you are supposed to be. You became this focused and determined little boy out to prove himself to the world. Your identify started there. You were able to move past that stage and even though it still weighs on your mind from time to time, you're not stuck in that stage. I promise. People like you always seem to figure it out" I admit.

"So the first few stages are kind of like like other people shaping you and the last four are you shaping yourself" he reiterates.

"Correct" I nod.

"So what does this mean to you. For you" he asks.

"My issues root from the beginning. The oral sensory stage is crucial to dependency. A child is helpless and depends on its parents caring and a nurturing nature to survive. It's the most important stage of a persons life. It determines trust and mistrust with people depending on affection shown through the first year of life. A maladaptive first stage results in isolation and independence to the point where it's not that they don't want to be with other people. It's that they can't be with other people. And that's why I prefer to be by myself, because I trust my decision is the one that benefits me best. I know I can depend on myself when no one else will be there for me. It's nearly impossible for a newborn to go through mistreatment like I did and not suffer from it eventually. That's when the anxiety started, not even a year old and already having to fight the world.

The second stage is the muscular- anal stage where kids are supposed to develop physical and mental abilities to support themselves. They're innate skills, like crawling and walking and grabbing and talking. But you can do so much in a closet. I walked in circles like a caged dog for a while, just going around and around because I could learn to walk but not very far. Of course I learned how to walk and talk the correct way after the three to four age but it was pretty easy sailing after that. The holding on and letting go concept was the one I missed for this stage. There wading a thing in that dark place that I wanted to hold on, yet it was so hard to let go of.

The third stage is the locomotor-genital stage as you know. This is the development of memory and imagination and dreams. It's a form of purpose, but without it it's just darkness. When people get older and someone asks them why are you here, in this moment, people who struggled in that stage doesn't know. They don't know why things are the way they are, they live without purpose and sometimes that's the hardest thing to not know.

The third stage is where kids are supposed to grow and become little girls and boys. From ages six to eleven is all trial and error, try things and find out if it's what you're interested in. And for me it was what went wrong those first few years, how to keep it from happening again."

"So according to this theory... you can't fix any of that stuff" he wonders.

"No. You can, it's just going to be hard. Learning how redo your whole life, not many people can do that" I defend.

"Good thing you're not like many people."