I Hope You Dance (Artemi Panarin)

Sleepless Nights Theory

Artemi

It's been a long month and a half since I moved here but it's been pretty good. I hurt my knee in training camp and missed a lot of preseason games but I got it going in the last game. I was on a good line and I was feeling good.

I sit alone in my apartment playing video games on my tv. It's what I did most days when Gabriella was working and Yuila and Andrew and the kids were busy.

Eventually it gets late and I went the whole day without eating. I decide to see if Gabriella wants to grab something and dial her number. She doesn't answer so I decide to shoot a text.

Hey Gabby! I played video games all day and forgot to eat again and was wondering if you want to grab a bite to eat or something?

After I send that I try to do some work on my knee so it's good for opening night and take a shower. I come back to my phone and see still no answer from Gabby. That's weird, she's usually punctual about that.

I decide to go to my fridge and open it to see nothing was there. Right. I don't know how to cook. I decide to try and call Gabby again but she never does answer so I call Andrew.

"Hey bud. What's up" he asks.

"Is Gabby with you" I question.

"Umm no. I haven't seen her in a few days" he admits.

"Is everything okay" I wonder.

"I wouldn't know. If it wasn't she wouldn't show it anyway" he says.

"Okay... well if you hear anything let me know" I sigh.

"I will."

After I hang up I grab my things and decide to drive over there just in case. I pull up to her apartment and see that her car is here. I press the buzzer a bunch of times and no one answers. So I decided to be that guy and press everyone else's until someone answers me. Someone finally buzzed me in and I take the elevator up to her floor. I walk to her apartment door and knock. I hear Hank barking and he starts scratching the door.

"Hey Gabby... are you in there" I yell but no one responds. I rest my hand on the handle and see it's unlocked so I go I let myself in.

Hank jumps up on my legs and I grab his collar so he doesn't run out.

"Hey boy, where's your mommy" I ask him. He jumps off and runs into the kitchen. I find Gabriella laying on the ground and immediately freak out.

"Holy shit" I whisper as I rush over to her body. I pick her up and her eyes flutter open. I let loud out a breath I was holding as she starts to come to.

"Gabriella... Gabby... are you okay" I ask lightly shaking her and she softly nods. I sit her up and she rubs her head as she stabilized herself. "I'm gonna take you to the hospital" I insist.

"No no. No need for that" she insists.

"Are you serious? I just found you laying on the floor unconscious. You're lucky I didn't just call 911" I say.

"Thank you for not doing that, but I assure you I will be fine" she says standing up. I help stabilize her as she leans on the counter.

"No. We're going to the hospital" I demand.

"No Artemi... I'm not" she says freakishly calm.

"Why won't you accept help" I ask.

"I do! You've done more for me than anyone ever has. And I love that you care but when I say I'm not going I'm not going" she defends.

"Why" I ask.

"Because they can't help me."

"How do you know that?"

"Do you think this is the first time this has happened? This is the first time this week alone it's happened? It's not something you can see or physically cure. It's a mental illness and it's inoperable."

"They have medication for that."

"No amount of medication undoes what I have been through. I need you to listen and to listen closely, because I know you like me and I know you want to be with me but it's more than us just being together. It's understanding that everything I do is a hundred times harder for me than everything else.

I don't sleep at night, if I do it's for a few hours. I have anxiety so far off the charts that it's crippling at times. I can stay up for three days straight spending those long nights just writing or drawing. Anything to keep my mind from slipping into the darkness that leads to nightmares that seem as real as real life itself. I am terrified of falling asleep and imaging myself in that closet with nothing but a peanut butter sandwich and a doll dug out from the trash can next door. So I don't go to sleep, I won't allow myself. I stay awake it it messes with my brain and my body but it's less painful that having to go through that all over again.

The thought of leaving my apartment gives me panic attacks. I sit in the silence just so nothing can tick me off and give me a panic attack. Every time I am in a new situation I convince myself that everything is going to fall apart around me and I become so terrified. I can completely destroy myself in the matter of seconds and I hate doing that. I hate when things get to me but I can't help it.

Because I go to the doctors and they say nothing is wrong. They say that I should take anti-depressants and I'm fine. Just get some sleep and I'll be good to go. Maybe drink tea before bed and it'll relax me. I've heard it all before and I'm tired of hearing it.

That's why I don't ask for help. Because while it sucks to get dizzy spells due to lack of sleep and pass out, it doesn't suck as much as relying on someone else just to get let down" she says barley above a whisper. The whole time her hands on the counter as she stares at it. Never shedding a tear or her voice wavering.

I walk over to her and sip between her and the counter. I take her face in my hands making sure she was looking at me.

"I'm not going to tell you that everything is going to be okay. I'm not going to say that I'm going to fix everything and make it all better. I'm not going to tell you that it's just in your head because it's not. This is your battle and you've been fighting all your life. You've been so strong... so strong. And I just want you to let me be strong with you" I insist.

"I don't want you to be anchored down with me" she claims.

"I don't want to go on without you" I insist.

"Why" she asks.

"I don't know. I can't explain it. But the thought of you on this floor and no one able to help you makes me sick. You can't just let this happen and you won't let someone fight for you... so I'm begging... let me fight with you" I say. For the first time a tear falls and I quickly wipe it away. I know she's finally letting things sink in no matter how much she fights it.

"Okay" she sighs.

"Okay what" I ask.

"I'll let you in" she says with a small smile. I press her head to my chest and she wraps her arms around me. I kiss the top of my head and I feel her smile on my chest. I hug her tight so she knows I'm here and she lets out a long breath.

"Please never scare me like that again" I beg.

"I won't, I promise" she mumbles. We break apart and she looks up to me with those deadly grey eyes. "Would you like a cup of tea" she asks.

"I would love a cup of tea" I admit.