Dirty Little Secret (Patrick Kane)

Nineteen

Patrick

"You did not" I laugh.

"I did. I told him that if he didn't buy me a dog and put it in the movie I would quit" Emerson giggles.

"Did he believe you" I ask.

"At first he did. I mean the guys who had worked with me before never would have. But this is a Disney production and a whole different staff. They had no clue as to what to do" she explains.

"You're so mean" I shake my head.

"Hey, we were about to be together for over two months. I had to make things interesting. I deserve to have fun too you know" she defends.

"Do you really gotta stress out the director like that though" I ask.

"No. But he thought it was hilarious once I broke it to him I'm not so pop diva princess. Plus everyone else learned that I liked to have fun and still be productive. It made things around here a lot easier. I hate when people call me mam, like I have kids. Or Ms. Knight like I'm a teacher or something. I hate it. This way everyone collectively knows that I just want to be their friend and I want them to work with me and not for me" she insists.

"That's one of my favorite things about you" I admit.

"Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy who once referred to himself as the hockey god" she teases.

"It was once" I defend.

"It was hilarious" she admits.

We continue to talk and she continues to tell me about the stuff she's done while on set. They have some prank wars and some of them are pretty funny. And I thought Sharpy was mean. But she sounded like she was having a lot of fun and I was kind of jealous it was without me.

"So when are you bringing your ass back home" I ask.

"When the movie is done" she insists.

"And that is..." I trail off.

"Wow. You really miss me" she teases.

"I do. I want you back" I say and the line goes silent. I quickly realize what I said and instantly regret it. "I mean... you know what I mean" I sigh.

"I don't think I do" she admits.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you back in my life. I mean you're here for me right now, and I don't just want you here physically, but I want you. I want everything that comes with it. I want the papz that never seem to leave you alone and the guys always checking you out so I can tell them you can't because you're mine. I want to miss you so much when you're gone that it hurts, just so when you come back I can feel better again. I want to listen to you complain about how you can't walk in heels even though I watched you strut your stuff in Paris for a whole week in them. I want it all" I admit.

"I want that too" she claims.

"Then why can't we just be together" I ask.

"Look at us Patrick... we're not together" she says and the line goes quite. I let that sink in before replying.

"So what? I'm just supposed to keep on loving you even though I can never have you" I ask.

"You can have me Patrick. There isn't a person in this world I would rather be with. But it's not just about us being together, because I don't know if you noticed but we only worked because we weren't actually in a relationship. We didn't have to force ourself to have those feelings because they just happened. Once we get together everything changes, and what we have right now is pretty great" she says.

"I'm not talking about what we are today or even tomorrow. I'm saying that I want you in my life forever Emerson" I defend. "I know what we had wasn't real. I know what we did have was so good because it wasn't. But how do we know that we can't have a actual relationship based off the love we share if we don't try" I ask.

"I'm scared" she admits.

"Scared of what" I ask.

"That if you settle for me I won't be enough. I know you Patrick, I know you like life when it's constantly changing. You don't like to get attached and you don't like to show emotion. I accept that about you because you let me break those rules of yours. You quickly became my best friend and told me things you've never told anyone. But you're young, you play in the toughest league out there and I'm just one more thing to worry about. Us being friends doesn't change you. Us being in a relationship is going to be hard and I don't know if you or I can handle it. I don't want to get hurt and I really don't want to hurt you. I'm scared that you will realize that it's not worth actually being with me. That I won't be around enough to give you the love you deserve. That I'm not good enough" she explains.

"That is literally the craziest shit I have ever heard. I know for a fact there isn't a person out there better than you. Even if we don't end up together I will never be able to get over you. You're not someone I can forget about or move on from. You're forever to me. It blows my mind that you think that I wouldn't ever want to be with you. You being away makes me want to be with you even more. I love you Emerson, more than I can say with words or show with actions, and I promise that I will always love you. No matter what" I insist.

"You promise you're not gonna hurt me" she asks.

"I promise" I assure her.

"Then let me finish this movie and let's see where I end up" she says.

"I'll wait for you forever" I insist.

"You promise" she asks.

"I promise" I reply.

We talk a little bit more because honestly I could talk to her forever. But eventually she needed to go and so did I. After we hang up I decide to go on a little walk. We had just gotten back from the circus trip and the Christmas lights were up so I wanted to go see them.

I walk around with my hands in my jeans and my hat over my face. It was a bit chilly but I play on ice for a living, nothing I couldn't handle.

I turn a corner and come up on a huge billboard. But not just any billboard, no, this is one for Calvin Klien and it was of Emerson. Larger than life she sat on that billboard in her underwear, just casually sitting in a chair laughing at something. I hope it's the thought of me. It wasn't like most Calvin Klien billboard where the model looks pissed or bored, no. This was a pure Emerson product where she looked good beyond belief and happy about her life.

I take a picture and send it to her which received a bunch of laughing emojis.

* (1) Message from Secret Lover*

Like what you see?

I let out a laugh as I start my trek back home. I text her back to help the time pass by quicker.

I always have 😉

She sends a new picture of herself a lot like the one I sent her. But this time she was making a funny face with her hair everywhere and honestly was still great.

How do you like me now?

I shake my head because she was such a mess sometimes. I'm glad she puts so much effort in this game we play.

Too bad I like you for who you are and not what you look like. Although you are very nice to look at.

I get back to my place and change to get ready for bed. I sure did miss sleeping here. After I finally get ready I crawl into bed and turn on the tv. My phone vibrates for one last time tonight.

And that's why I love you