Dirty Little Secret (Patrick Kane)

Thirty Nine

Emerson

About two weeks into filming things get a little bit easier. I don't have time to miss Patrick all that much because for every day from sunrise to sunset I'm not me, I'm Black Widow. The best part of acting is embodying someone else, and besides maleficent, this was my favorite person to be. Everyone on set is super talented and getting things done then cracking jokes when it was necessary. The blooper reel for this movie has to be insane.

Just the other day there was a stunt that the producer was adamant I couldn't so but I assured him I could do it. He gave me a shot and I did it perfectly but it was so good that Chris Evans totally forget his next line and that meant I had to do it again exactly like I did the time before. I was so mad at him and he thought it was hilarious. Until I threatened to use those moves against him. Then he shut up.

But we were about halfway done with filming. Again a lot of this stuff is going to be digital so it doesn't concern us as much. We just need to get enough to make one of the most bad ass movies out there.

I get to my hotel late one night. I talked to Patrick earlier and he was up in Canada playing Toronto. He was in the same time frame as me but it was about one when I got back and I'm sure he's either getting a talking to from Jonny or he fell asleep while getting a talking to from Jonny.

I check the scores to see that they had won and Patrick had a assist. I was going to text him a congrats until I see he was calling me anyway.

"Hey patrick" I answer.

"You ruined me" he sniffles and I take the phone away from my ear to make sure I was talking to the right person. Yeah, it said Patrick.

"Excuse me" I ask.

"You... you broke me" he slurs.

"Patrick... are you drunk" I question.

"Very" he hiccups and I shake my head.

"I'm very confused" I admit.

"I was supposed to go out with the guys and drink and have fun but I couldn't. Because when I drank this time I wasn't looking for someone to bring back to the hotel or someone who would treat me like a god. No, I stared crying in the bar because I missed you" he claims.

"Oh" I whisper.

"What did you do to me? Why can't I get you off my mind" he asks.

"I'm sorry Pat, I'm not sure why" I admit.

"Why did you leave me" he whispers.

"I had to" I insist.

"I miss you" he claims.

I let the line go silent because I'm not sure what to do with my extremely emotional and intoxicated fiancé on the other line.

"Please say something" he begs.

"What am I supposed to say" I ask.

"That you're coming home" he insists.

"Almost baby, but not yet" I say.

"Why do I miss you so much" he wonders.

"Only you know that" I insist.

"I never missed anyone. I mean I missed my family when I was a kid but not anymore. I miss my grandpa but I know he's not coming back. Then there's you... you're different" he claims.

"How so" I challenge.

"Because its more than me missing you. Its me missing the part of me that is here thanks to you. It's wanting to hold your perfectly sculpted body close to me, to put your skin against mine so I can feel you next to me. Its reading the notes you leave around the house and immediately feeling like I'm missing a big part of me, because I am. It's when I reach out for you when I roll over in bed and you not being there. It's more than feeling lonely or hopeless, it's feeling incomplete. Sometimes I hold out my hand and it's almost like I can feel your fingers lace through mine. I remember what it's like to twirl that ring on your finger then reality sets in and I see you're not there.

I never realized that feeling so empty could feel so heavy in my heart. It's like I'm alive but I'm no longer living now that you're not here. I know I can do this without you but I also know that it's better when you're here next to me. I do this stuff to keep my mind busy but then time stops for a second and all I can think about is you. And when I used to have issues I would go out and drink. I would drink so much that my problems become solutions and I don't care about what's bothering me anymore. The thoughts of you are running around in my head, louder than the music in that bar and stronger than the alcohol in my system. I didn't realize how much you have turned my life around until tonight and honest to god I just want you back. I don't want my old life back, I don't want to bring some girl home from the bar and I don't want to see anyone unless it's you" he claims.

"I miss you too" I reply.

"When are you back" he asks.

"Soon baby. At least two more weeks" I insist.

"That's too long" he whines.

"I'm sorry, but I can't leave yet. We're halfway through this movie and I trained too hard not to finish it" I insist.

"Can we get married when you get back" he asks.

"We're getting married in August" I remind him.

"I want to be married now though" he pouts.

"How much did you drink tonight" I ask.

"A lot" he admits.

"Well drink some water and eat some food. I know you're not going to remember this in the morning so I'm not gonna sweat it. Where are you" I ask.

"Canada" he replies and I laugh.

"Are you in your hotel room" I ask.

"Yeah" he answers.

"Are you in your bedroom" I follow up.

"It depends. Is there a toilet in my bedroom" he questions.

"No pat. That would be the bathroom" I tell him.

"Oh... then I'm not in the bedroom" he admits.

"Can you find it for me" I ask. I hear some shuffling until the other line evens out.

"I found a bed" he reports.

"Perfect. Now go lay in it" I instruct.

"Okay, now what" he asks.

"Go to bed" I laugh.

"But I miss you too much" he whines.

"Patrick we've already been over this" I sigh. The line falls flat and I look to make sure I didn't lose him. "Patrick" I say again. I'm met with the sound of snoring and just shake my head. What a night?