roses | kim woosung

s i x

i walk into school with sammy and walk into class. all i keep thinking about is the fact i have a solo. i'm not as nervous as people expect to be but i'm having mixed feelings on it.

i honestly don't know why i feel this way but i guess everyone gets stressed over something.

t i m e s k i p

"guys i need opinions on my solo for vocal today." i say.

"but you'll do fine." dylan says, without hesitation.

"i just want to be on the safe side." i say, sitting at the piano.

"what are you going to sing?" leo asks.

"actually, i'm singing an original. i wrote this myself after the death of my parents so it may be emotional but i'm up for it." i say, playing the piano chords.

while i'm singing the song, i suddenly feel this sudden anxiety take over me. i guess it's because of the song but i didn't expect it to be like this.

i push myself towards the end and stop when i finish the song. i look up and see the five faces in front of me.

"i feel like you could do better than that." jia says.

"was it really that bad?" i ask. "no, it wasn't bad at all. but when you performed with sammy playing, you were confident and you didn't care what anyone said. you held your head high and you engaged the audience. here in front of us, you weren't confident and you kind of hid yourself. you kept on looking at the piano and it felt like i couldn't hear you that well. but then again that's just me." jia says.

"i agree. your notes and everything was perfect but little things like what jia pointed out really make a difference. i think it's because of the story behind the song and i'm sure you still miss your parents a lot so maybe that took away your confidence." jeff says.

"sing the whole song again, but this time mean it." sammy says.

i play the chords again, this time thinking about the reason i had wrote the song in the first place.

i remember the inspiration coming from just a week before my parents death. dev had did something to me i can't even bring myself to say.

f l a s h b a c k

"how's my girl doing?" dev said, as i push him off me.

"yo what's wrong with you?" he asks me. "dev, i've never been your girl and i never will. i'm sorry but i just never loved you." i say.

"what'd you say?" he asks, creeping closer to me.

he didn't give me a chance to say it again because he had pushed me against a wall, almost breaking every bone in my body.

e n d o f f l a s h b a c k

the rest i don't remember so clearly but i do remember feeling dirty afterwards. i don't mean that in a sexual away, i mean it in a way where i felt like someone has touched me in the wrong way. i felt disgusted by him and i remember showering at least ten times that day.

"you stopped midway." someone says, snapping me back to reality. "i need a moment." i mumble, as i excuse myself from the band room and walk into one of the smaller rooms with the piano and curl up in a ball.