Little Things

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Pickering, Canada
April 2024

Positive. Positive. Positive.

All of the three pregnancy tests showed positive. The two tests I'd taken a couple of weeks ago showed positive too. Not believing nor knowing what to do with myself, I picked them up one by one again. As if the answer might change the longer I waited or the harder I stared down at it, but the two blue stripes were still on all three of tests in my hands.

Positive. Positive. Positive.

Suddenly feeling lightheaded, out of breath and just a little dizzy, I leaned my back against the cold sink, trying to somehow wrap my head around the fact that a little human being was growing inside of me. Our little human being.

Without even thinking about it, my hands slipped to my stomach and my palms pressed softly against my belly. I shut my eyes and rubbed my hands softly against my stomach as if the thing inside me would feel my tender touches.

Two short knocks sounded on the bathroom door and I felt the panic raise in my body within the matter of just a few seconds.

"I'm leaving now, love" my fiancé Shawn said through the door. He tried pushing it open and didn't realize until a few seconds later, that the door was locked. "Why'd you lock the door? You never lock the door"

"Just a second, babe" I said, quickly swiping the positive tests into a drawer underneath the sink with shaking hands and then hurrying to open the door for him.

Shawn's familiar and always warm eyes fell on me but his otherwise wide smile faded a little when he caught my gaze. I tried my hardest to strain a smile, but the lump growing in my dry throat made it rather hard for me to focus on anything else than trying not to vomit.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I shrugged, chewing into my bottom lip.

"You just seem a bit... beside of yourself" he worried, titling his head faintly to the left. His tender glances warmed up my entire body and shortly after, the heat flushed to my otherwise probably pale face.

"I'm fine, Shawn. Really"

"Mom said she heard you being sick last night-"

"Oh yeah, it's my own fault really. I know I should stay away from spicy food but your mother's paella is just too good" I laughed, shaking my head lightly.

Though he tried catching my stare, I kept avoiding looking into his worried eyes. I dreaded he would see through my lies if our eyes met.

It was hard keeping a secret like this from Shawn, but it was even harder keeping the secret from an entire family. We'd been staying at his parents' house the last couple of days, because Shawn had some projects going on in Pickering and we were beyond busy planning our summer wedding. It had been stressful but Karen had been such a great help.

I guess it was easier staying here rather than driving back and forth from Toronto every day. I didn't mind it, I enjoyed spending time with his family, but it made it much harder to hide what was going on with more people in the house than just Shawn and I.

"Do you need me to stay home? I can cancel today's shoot-"

"No, I'll be fine" I reassured him. "I'm probably just going to spend some time with your mother. We still need to pick out flowers. No need to worry"

"Are you sure?" Shawn asked, not taking his eyes off me. Gently, his thumb tipped up my chin for him to look at me properly. A soft fingertip ran across my cold lips.

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