Boys Like Him

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I had been on tour with Shawn for about a month now and though we'd been dating for almost a year, I had never tagged along his tours before nor had I ever really gone to one of his shows, so sitting on the floor of the hotel room and doing my homework was a rather big step for us. Bringing me along and sharing this speical part of him was a rather big step for us.

I guess we were moving a bit slower than teenagers normally would, but the pace of the relationship seemed perfect for the both of us. At least it was perfect for me; while Shawn had adapted to the steady pace instead of pushing me too hard.

Shawn was my first real love - not that I hadn't been around guys before but he was the only one who made it this close to my heart - that I otherwise kept guarded so I wouldn't get myself hurt. I had heard way too many love songs about broken hearts and I guess I had simply decided, I wasn't going to put myself through that.

I'd watched a relationship fall apart too many times at home; mom and dad always screaming and shouting, leaving then coming back, ripping each other's hearts into tiny bits and smothered pieces and I guess that made fear love.
Fear to be loved. And fear giving someone my love. I didn't want to end up like them.

It had been easier to just push people away once they had gotten too close – uncomfortably close – but with Shawn, I couldn't help it. He kept moving closer to my heart and even when I tried, I couldn't push him away. He wouldn't let me.

My mother always said it would be boys like him tearing my heart in two. Doing what they do best; taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies. She had always warned me about boys like Shawn. Too good to be true. But Shawn, Shawn wasn't this boy my mother had always put people like him out to be.

Shawn was loving. Shawn was kind. Shawn was genuine. And Shawn was the essence of a gentleman; always making me feel as loved as when we first met. Holding the door for me, grabbing my hand in public so he wouldn't lose sight of me, making sure my seatbelt was always on, checking if I remembered to drink enough water during the day. All those little actions of love I rarely saw other people do now a days.

I still lacked some confidence when it came to myself and giving myself entirely to him. With all my flaws and my temper, my mood swings and my distance. Honestly being in a relationship with someone was still a challenge for me but Shawn never failed to remind me how beautiful I was, how strong our love was, or how right I was in his eyes.

He never failed to make me believe that being emotionally naked with someone could be pleasant as well, rather than scary and uncomfortable. I was still learning how to let my walls down around him but Shawn had been nothing but patient with me.

He had nothing but patience when it came to winning my heart or being given another piece of my soul. He had nothing but patience when it came to earning my love.

The tour had taken a tool on me, though. I'd been stressed out and feeling anxious. One thing was dealing with screaming fans and being away from home, another one was constantly having to catch up on school work and all the assignments and papers I knew was piling up. Another thing was shutting out false rumours about models and fans winning his heart.

It didn't feel like I had the chance to catch my breath properly, I was just sinking in deeper and Shawn had clearly noticed. I was afraid of pushing him away because that's what I usually do when things overwhelm me. I push away and I run. As fast as I can.

I could never stop comparing myself to the people around him; the models, the fans, whoever he met. Shawn could have perfect and I was nowhere near being perfect.

I guess, I never knew what it meant dating someone who lived in such a public world and how much it could affect how I was feeling. It was scary. A relationship was scary in itself but having the entire world watching, it was more than frightening and Shawn noticed just how much it had been affecting me lately.

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