How to Break a Heart (To be published by LIB)

Twenty-Eight

Allie

I cried hard the whole afternoon, until the sun finally set, even when the stars started twinkling across the enormous dark, expanding sky. I tried stopping myself from crying but my heart says I needed it to remove the weight inside my chest.

It didn’t work though, because as I cry, the depression just weighed down and turned into something intense. I feel worse.

Hindi ko inaasahan na masasaktan ako sa nakita ko, mas lalo pang sumakit dahil ako ang may gawa kung bakit siya nasaktan. When I saw Arron after ending my call with Gian, para akong nakakita ng multo. He looked as astounded as me. Just from the look on his face, I could tell that he heard everything.

The accusation embarked on his face, the cruel and cold stare that he casted upon me. I know he didn’t want to believe it. I saw it in his eyes, how he wanted me to prove him wrong–that what he heard wasn’t true but I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Kung dati, hindi ko kayang maatim na masaktan si Dominic–ngayon, dumoble ang sakit na naramdaman ko nung nakita ko ang pangingiusap sa mga mata ni Arron.

His accusation… It lashed my heart. Hindi ko inaakala na masakit pala kapag sa kanya mismo nanggaling ang bagay na iyon. Gusto ko ipaliwanag ang lahat, gusto ko malaman niya ang buong istorya–but I need us to stop. I need to stop complicating things. It was too late when I realized that, pero mas mabuti na naputol na agad habang hindi pa malala.

He deserved to know the truth. Even Dominic deserves to know the truth but I don’t have the guts to give them that. Arron was right. I’m a coward. The whole reason why I couldn’t break up with Dominic is because I was afraid.

Terrified.

Mahina ako masyado.

Nung sinigawan na ako ni Arron ay hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko mula sa pag-iyak. Hindi lang ako naiyak dahil nasasaktan ako, pero tumulo ang luha ko dahil nasasaktan ako para sa kanya. How Arron looked when he tried to stop his tears, pretending that he wasn’t in verge of crying.

Right there, I wanted to reach my arms to him and give him a tight and warm hug. That exact moment, I wanted him to know that I was starting to feel the same way–or started, I’m not yet certain because I was still as confused as before.

Nung mga oras na umiiyak ako, gusto ko isigaw sa kanya kung ano ang gusto ko noong oras na iyon. Na gusto kong yakapin niya ako ng mahigpit at sabihin na magiging okay rin ang lahat. But I didn’t have the guts say anything to him, I just told him that I was sorry and left because I am a coward. I ran away from him when all I wanted to do is run to his way, not the other way around. I wasn’t able to hug him either. Kahit na gustong-gusto ko.

I was scared that if I hugged him right there, that exact moment, I won’t be able to let go.

Kaya ginawa ko na lang ang palagi kong ginagawa–ang bagay kung saan ako magaling at bihasa. I walked out on him, leaving him alone to deal with his own mind. Nakasalubong ko ang kaibigan ni Arron na si Trent. He asked if I was okay. I badly wanted to say yes, gusto kong sumagot pero hindi ko magawang lokohin ang sarili ko, I think the tears falling across my cheeks gave away the answer.