How to Break a Heart (To be published by LIB)

Thirty

Arron

I don’t know how I lasted without my daily kitten-dose for two weeks. Dalawang linggo ko siyang hindi nakausap, dalawang linggo ko siyang hindi nakitang ngumiti sa akin. I never even saw her laugh. It hurts to think that I was the reason why she stopped from laughing, and I meant a genuine laugh and not the bullshit laugh that she kept on throwing to other people just to assure them that she was fine.

Sinubukan ko siyang wag isipin, going back to my old style–club, race, and booze. I’d say girls but I’d be lying. I couldn’t bring myself to flirt with other girls, or even look at one. For some reason, it irked me and it made me feel like I was cheating samantalang wala naman akong girlfriend.

Gustong maging girlfriend siguro, meron. Pero alam naman ng nakararami na mangyayari lang ang bagay na iyon kapag pumuti na ang uwak which is another term for: NEVER.

I had the fucking best luck in the whole fucking world.

I fell in love with someone who’s already taken.

Fucking begginer’s luck.

Okay na sana yung nag-iiwasan kami eh. Natitiis ko pa. Nakakaya ko pa na wag siyang kausapin. Pero ang makita siya araw-araw na kasama si Chua? Putcha, patayin niyo na lang kaya ako.

Daig ko pa ang namamatay araw-araw at araw-araw na napapadala sa impyerno and then living again but only to die.

Seeing the person you love with somebody else was the most painful thing in the world. Another sad part is, you can’t even do anything about it.

I was never insecure. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi yan pero yun ang pakiramdam ko ngayon kapag nakikita kong kasama ni Allie si Chua. De hamak naman na mas gwapo ako sa gagong yun. I smile better than him. Mas malakas ang appeal ko at maraming natatameme kapag nakikita nila ang dimple ko.

Allie is most definitely suffering from poor eyesight kung hindi niya nakikita ang bagay na iyon.

Fuck it. Why can’t she just admit it to herself? Na ako ang gusto niya at hindi ang gagong yon? Ah, gusto ko siyang tadtarin ng mura. I’ve never been this mad at some guy because I never really had the reason to.

Lamon na lamon na ako ng sobrang pagseselos ko.

“Arron, stop stabbing your chicken with your fork.” my entire arm froze. My forehead creased as I looked at my hand. I was gripping on the fork like I was holding a knife and my mom was right, I was stabbing the chicken.

Damn.

Inalis ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa tinidor at inilapag iyon sa pinggan. I grabbed the glass filled with water and drank a little bago ko ibinalik ang tingin ko kay Mama. “Busog na ako, Ma.”

“Ni-hindi ka pa nga sumusubo.”

I sighed. “Wala po akong gana.”