I awoke to the feeling of someone shaking me, and my name being repeated.
Obviously it was Finn.
I wonder how long I can pretend to still be asleep before he thinks im dead.
Just as i think that, i feel his fingers go to my neck to feel my pulse.
This dude.
"Kelsie come on wake up" he says for the millionth time, and I decide to wake up.
I open my eyes and see him hovering over me, with his hair all in his face.
Gotta admit he looks pretty freaking adorable from this angle, but then I remember everything that happened.
That bitch Iris.
Oooo i feel the anger rise in me. I wanna drop kick her.
"Hey are you feeling alright?" He asks, looking genuinely worried, something that would normally make me feel soft, but at this point i feel nothing.
"Fine" i say, sitting up and wiping my hair off my face.
"Why were you sleeping out here? Wait hold on- have you been crying?" He asks, examining my face and brushing my hair behind my ear.
God fucking damn it I probably look like a pig, sadly im not a pretty crier. Fuck.
"Finn I really don't wanna talk about it, and for your own sake, you dont either" i say tiredly, getting up and walking past him.
I never took my makeup off, I prolly have mascara stains running down my neck.
"What do you mean?" He asks, and i can hear him following me.
I roll my eyes. Of course hes completely oblivious.
Ignoring him, i walk into the bathroom, grabbing a makeup and oh hey look at that i was right. I pretty much ruined my shirt from all the mascara.
I close the bathroom door behind me, ignoring his various questions. I just need a few seconds to myself, i know theres gonna be a fight.
I take as long as possible taking off my makeup and washing my face, then i go to the closet, which luckily is in the bathroom, and change out of these uncomfortable clothes into a huge sweatshirt that goes down to my knees and a pair of nike shorts.
I throw my hair up in a ponytail tail and take a deep breath before opening the door.
I see Finn sitting on the bed, looking at something on his phone.
When he hears the door open his head immediately shoots up, and he stands up too.
"Kelsie whats wrong? What happened?" He asks, and i can hear a tone of annoyance in his voice.
He really has no idea.
"Why don't you tell me? No more like why didn't you tell me? About Iris?" I ask, my voice cracking when i say her name. Im pathetic.
His face is blank, and he doesnt say anything. That just makes things even worse.
"Wow" i laugh sarcastically, walking past him and out of the bedroom.
"Kelsie stop" he says, grabbing my arm to stop me from leaving
"Why? Why should i Finn? Honestly, give me one good reason to stay"
He opens his mouth like hes gonna say something, but chokes on his words, speechless
"Just tell me one thing. Where you ever planning on telling me?" I look deep into his eyes, searching for pain or guilt or anything.
But there's nothing.
"Good to know" I mumble before turning back around.
"Kelsie stop" finn says, grabbing my arm again.
"Let me go Finn" i say quietly, suprising myself by how much venom is in my voice
"Please just.. let me explain. Please" he says, and i nod.
"I dont- i dont know what came over me. We met while we were shooting a music video together a few years back. A few months ago she was in town and needed a place to stay"
HOLD THE FUCK UP SHE STAYED AT HIS HOUSE?
Please dont say she stayed at your house.
Please dont say-
"I told her she could stay with me, because we were friends"
Fuck.
He must've noticed the look on my face, because his face turned sympathetic
"Kelsie listen it- it was a really rough time for me, you know that. I was just so... lonely. I didnt know the difference between liking someone and not, i was just desperate for anything to fill the void. I-i dont know. She just helped me keep my mind off you"
Ive had enough
"Are you serious? Is this a joke? You've got to be kidding me right now. Thats the most pathetic excuse ive ever heard. Theres no way to justify what you did, it doesnt matter how lonely you were. And honestly, did you ever even think to call me? To try and fly me out to see you? Because you couldve done something else to 'fill the void' besides dating some chick"
Im mad now. I feel no sympathy for him whatsoever.
"And you know what the worst part is? You never planned on telling me. I had to find out by fucking meeting her, and even then you werent the one that told me, she was"
"Kelsie its not that i didnt want you to know, i just didnt want this! I didnt want to fight over something i couldnt change! And she doesn't matter anymore anyway, none of it does! Because i have you back, and i love you, i loved you then too-"
"Dont you dare say that to me! Dont you dare say you love me, because you dont Finn! You dont!
If you loved me you wouldnt have even looked in her direction, let alone dated her!
So stop saying you love me Finn. You have no idea what love is."
I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but i wont let them show. Im so tired of being weak, im not about to cry in front of him.
"Are you serious right now? Do you hear yourself? Do you really dont think i love you? Im crazy about you Kelsie! Fucking crazy about you! Im not gonna try to make excuses for what i did. I did it and theres no way for me to change it. Im just asking you to try to understand it. I was weak. I felt empty. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was just so desperate to feel alive again, something i hadnt felt since you left.
Im not asking you to forgive me. Im just asking you to try to understand."
"Finn do you know that you havent told me you love me since we got back together except when we're fighting?"
My vision starts to go blurry from the tears, and theres no point of trying to hide them anymore
"Did you know that? You've only ever said it to use it against me to try to make me feel bad. That's not love. All this-this fighting. Its not love. This isnt us, we havent been us for a while now, and something needs to change"
By the end im pretty much whispering, and the tension between us in unbearable.
"What-what are you saying?" He asks, his voice cracking
Sadly, i look up into his eyes, considering if i should say what im about to say, but of course my pride gets the best of me
"I think we should take a break"
Fuck.
I cant believe i said that.
Why did i say that?
I dont mean it
"You dont mean that" he say quietly, searching my eyes with his big broken ones
"I- i do"
No i dont
Stop
Why cant I control myself
I see him break, like physically see his face drop and tears start to well up in his eyes, and i hate myself for it. I hate myself for causing this.
But its too late now, and by the look on his face i know it.
"Kelsie please" he says, barely above a whisper, and that just makes the tears fall even faster.
"Im sorry Finn" i whisper, taking a step back from him, fighting the urge to reach up and wipe the tears off his face.
He looks at the ground, and suddenly his whole mood changes.
He doesnt seem sad or mad or happy or anything, hes just... emotionless.
"Okay" he says, looking at me
"Alright if thats how you feel, I respect that"
Part of me wants him to fight for me, even though i know it's pointless. Ive said too much already.
"Finn..."
"No kelsie its- its okay. Ill take the guest bedroom tonight, you can sleep in here" he says, and just like that, he walks past me out the door.
I gently shut the door when he leaves, then fall to the floor, yet again, drowning in my own tears.
What have i done?
What have i done?
