Tongue-Biter

Dysphoric Days

Between my reoccurring bad memories, my anxiety, and mood swings, the past couple of weeks have been awful. But I think today tops all those.

I was in language arts today. I was with Guy. Clem went home this morning so she wasn't there. It was just me and Guy. It wasn't awkward like people usually think. I'm actually normal talking to Guy. It's only when I'm left alone with my thoughts that I over think things. Me and Guy were just talking. We didn't even do our work. We just talked. And it was nice. We were playing Smash or Pass on Marvel heroes. It was actually fun. Then we started talking about LGBT. Now, Guy is in our friend group, like I've mentioned before. He's queer, I think. But I think he said he's bi. We were talking about LGBT and what I was.
" So....you're a boy?" He asked. I nodded. This wasn't me coming out to him. He knew. He was just making sure. " You identify as a boy and everyone calls you Connor." I nodded again. " You're biologically female, though." I nodded for a third time. He thought for a moment. " Not to be mean, but you are biologically female and you haven't had surgery yet, right?" " Right." I replied. " So, to me, I'm still gonna call you Connie because you're not technically a guy." I was taken back for a moment. I kept writing on my paper. After a minute, because he isn't good at these types of things, we continued Smash or Pass. The bell rang and we parted. As always.

I got home and I banged my head against the wall. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I was angry. At myself. It was somehow my fault. He'd like you if you were actually male! I hit my head one last time and layed on my bed. I fought back tears. I'm so stupid! I didn't understand. I still don't understand. What'd I do? What the hell did I do to make him hate me? Why is it so fucking hard to stop liking someone who you know you have no shot with?! This always happens! I become friends with someone, I like them, and then you know what comes next? Nothing but pain! Okay? I've already accepted the fact that I'm going to die alone. I've know it for years. Who the hell in their right mind would love me? Exactly, no one.

Just end it. End it already. If I'm not a guy then what's the point of being here? I need to face it. I'm female, I'll never be male, no one will see me as male. It's just the facts.

Fuck everyone. Fuck everything. Fuck life. Fuck love. Just fuck. Not the action. Just fuck.

* To be continued*