Tongue-Biter

Dysphoria and Dysmorphia

Quick A/N
My rankings are going back up so thank you all so much!
This update is about today.
I was reading a story and the main character was chubby.
It made me notice myself even more.
While I was observing myself, I also noticed that my chest has gotten a lot bigger. At least to me it has.
I will also talk about some things that have happened over the past month or so in school.
Now let's get to the story.

* WARNING*
Contains suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and descriptive language.

School.
I fucking hate it.
This week alone I had about 6 mental breakdowns.
I cried 2 in psychology, in the same day.
And today in biology.
No one even bothered to ask me what was wrong/ if I was okay.
I have 4 C's which is unacceptable.
If I don't pass the first 9 weeks of my AP classes, I get kicked out.
My family would kill me.
They're all pissed that I have less than B's.
But something's wrong.
I don't know what's wrong.
But something is.
I can't focus.
I can't understand what I'm learning.
I am under so much pressure and stress but no one cares.
" Keep your grades up!"
" You can't do that!"
" If you don't understand this, you'll fail!"
" What are you stupid?"
" How do you not understand?"
" You're not confused. You're just lazy and don't want to do the work!"
The same thing.
Every single day.
You know what else I hear?
" Look at the queer!"
" Fucking emo!"
" Fatty!"
" Dumbass!"
" Retarded!"
" Fucking tranny gay ass!"
" Sinner!"
Nothing I haven't heard before.
The voices just ring inside my head.
Queer, emo, fat, stupid, failure.
All these voices.
Queer, emo, fat, stupid, failure.
Always the same things.
Queer, emo, fat, stupid, failure.
On repeat.
24/7.
Every second.
Every minute.
Every single moment.
I know I should ignore them.
But it's hard.
Extremely hard.
When you hear something so many times, you start to believe it.
But I never not believed it.
I've always known these things.
I can't change them.
I wish I could.
But I can't.
I can't change my body.
I can't change my identity.
I can't change my mental disorders.
I just have to live with them.

It has crossed my mind a lot recently.
I know it shouldn't.
But it does.
What if I killed myself?
That single question.
What if I killed myself?
I know my friends couldn't live without me.
I know my siblings would cry.
My mom too.
My granny.
My aunts and uncles.
My cousins.
Everyone would feel some type of pain.
But nothing would really change.
After a month or so, I'm forgotten.
Time moves on.
I'm just another lost system of memory.
I'm not gonna cut or kill myself.
I have too many goals.
Too many unfulfilled dreams.
So much I haven't done.
But I still think about it.

I can't talk to my teachers.
They talk to me and my heart races, i feel myself go pale, I feel my face heat up, I feel the invisible hand around my throat.
If I make any noise, it's nothing but a squeak.
I usually nod.
" Do you understand?"
I nod.
" Do you need help?"
I shake my head.
" Are you sure?"
I nod.
They walk away.
I can barely talk to my friends.
And I've known them all for at least a year.
Some 2.
Some nearly 3.
That's probably why I don't talk about it.
I have lost countless friends with my depression and all my other problems.
I can't lose them or I may actually kill myself.
So I stay bottled up.

I haven't been eating a lot.
I force myself to eat breakfast.
Skip lunch.
Eat a small dinner usually.
I fell like my family has noticed but they don't care.
Richelle constantly scolds me for not eating.
So I lie and say I eat.
Saves me stress.

Oh well.
Life sucks.
That's what everyone tells me.
Maybe if I keep skipping meals, I'll get thinner.
Maybe if I keep bottled up, my friends won't think I'm a nut case.
Maybe, just maybe, if I stay low, I'll be okay.

* To he continued*