Tongue-Biter

Stability

Tick tock
Tick tock
Tick tock

Everyday I count the seconds and minutes and hours until I go to sleep again.

7 am
9 am
2 pm
4 pm
9 pm

I have started going to bed at 9 to 9:30 usually.
I sleep.
Wake up even more tired than the day before.
Wake up and dread the day ahead of me.

I hate highschool.
I have a D, 4 C's, and 2 B's.
That's unacceptable.
I'm usually an AB student.
But highschool doesn't care what I usually am.
It seems like everything I do, I fail.
2 AP classes.
4 Honors classes.
And a class where it's just a bunch of organization and planning for the future.
Plus art club.
And homecoming happening next weekend.
And my mental health.
And home.
And crush problems.
And chores.
And family problems.
And sickness.
It just all fucking sucks.

You don't give a shit about school
That's why you're failing
Stop being so fucking complicated
You don't do anything right
Stop being a dumbass and just deal with it
Are you fucking stupid?
Stop making excuses
Have anything less than a B on your report card and you won't get your phone until next report card

The same thing.
Every
Fucking
Day

I swear, sometimes I just wanna fucking end it all.

I know my friends want me to talk to them about this, but I don't want to.
I depress them enough as it is.

Talk to us. We care about you. You know you're our friend and we're here for you.

I do. I know that.
But it's not as simple as it sounds.
How can I possibly talk to someone about what's wrong if I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me?

People have been telling me I look skinnier.
But I don't see it.
I've been slowly eating more.
But not by all that much.

I talked to my crush.
I told him I needed to know how he felt.

I don't like you

I sent an okay hand sign.
It hurt.
But I'm not gonna beg him to like me.
It's his choice.
Everyone keeps saying " Well, now you can find someone better."
Well...
Hard to find someone if no one wants you.

It's because I'm trans.
I confuse people.
They're like " but if we dated, you'd be my girlfriend right?"
" No, I'm a guy."
" But....I'm not gay."

Fuck all those people.

I want a boyfriend who's nice, caring, supportive, accepting, and a lot of other things.
But will I ever find him?
No.
I won't.
Because no one wants me.

Why would someone want me if they could have her or him or them.
I'm just me.
What's so great about me?

* To be continued*

A/N - Please don't comment saying how amazing I am. I'm venting. Telling me that won't change anything. Sorry but it's true.