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Feelings

There is no light in my room to wake me up, nothing to disturb me either. I still end up waking up around eight in the morning though, groaning as the bright light from the clock on my bedside table shines in my eyes when I check the time. 

The necklace that my mom gave me is still around my neck, the beautiful gem stone hidden by the collar of my shirt. She said that it was supposed to protect me as well as help me control my powers, but I'm not sure if it will actually help me out. I don't even know the extent of my powers, so how in the word am I supposed to try and control them?

The floor is surprisingly cold as I throw the bedsheets off of me and and place my feet down on the ground. I am sluggishly slow as I walk over to my bathroom and turn the shower on, waiting for the water to heat up before actually getting into it. My mind is a mess as my jumbled thoughts bump into each other in my head, my temples throbbing as the beginnings of a headache start creeping in.

The main thing that keeps popping up is what Taehyung and Yoongi were talking about last night.

I'm not stupid, or oblivious. I know who Taehyung was talking about. I just don't want it to be true. I don't know how he could have began to develop feelings for me, the thought so unsettling and surprising that I find myself not wanting it to be true. Maybe if I keep denying it, I will wake up and find out that I was just hearing things.

It can't be true though. It just can't. Taehyung was the only guy that hadn't believed me even after I begged and pleaded for him to understand. He tortured me for answers, making me see things in my mind that I still have nightmares about. He slet with me and then pretended like it was nothing, later on calling me a slut and acting as if I was the grossest thing on the planet. It doesn't make sense for him to like me.

I also don't want him to like me. He has done all of these horrible things to me. He has made me feel as if I was worthless, not even sparing me a second glance as he left me in a crying heap of self doubt and insecurities. The funny thing is, I kept letting him do those things to me. I can't stop thinking about him, his striking eyes filling my mind and making it hard to think. He has been nothing but rude to me, and yet I find myself unable to look away from him.

What sort of person does that make me? He can't like me, because then I have an excuse to like him back. I don't want to fall for someone like him, who uses me and then throws me to the ground as if I don't matter. I don't want to fall in love with someone who can break me into pieces. I'm scared to get hurt again.

I jolt slightly, water tracking down my face from my hair. The conditioner that I had put in it is long gone, the water already having washed it out. I was so busy thinking that I spaced out, me turning off the water and reaching for my towel. I dry myself off before heading back into my room and putting on some leggings and an oversized hoodie, the hem stopping about mid-thigh.

"(Y/N), are you awake?"

I hum out for an answer to Jimin's question, him poking his head though the door as Jungkook does the same a little bit above him. I can't help but smile at the two guys that I have grown incredibly close to, waving them over as I sit on top of my bed.

"So that's where my hoodie went" Jungkook says as he sits next to me, causing me to roll my eyes at him. He was the one who said that I could have it, so he doesn't have a right to say that. He chuckles as I playfully hit his arm, him leaning back so that most of his weight is on his hands as they rest behind him. 

"Yoongi hyung told us some very interesting things last night" Jimin says as he lays down on my other side, placing his head in my lap. I tense up in surprise before relaxing once more, playing with his soft hair as he looks up at me.

"I know" I say softly, a small frown on my face. "I heard him and Taehyung talking in the hallway on my way to bed."

"So? What do you think?"

"What do you mean?" I ask him, looking down at him as he stare sup at me. He rolls his eyes before sitting up, causing me to have to look up at him instead.

"Are you going to tell Tae how you feel?"

"How I feel? What are you talking about?" 

He has got to be kidding. There is no way that that could ever work out. He has hurt me too many times. He also clearly stated that his father would never allow it.

"I don't know about this Jimin" Jungkook whispers, his eyes filled with concern as he looks over at me. Jimin simply groans, placing his hands on my face so that I can't turn away from him.

"Come on (Y/N). Taehyung has never been this way around another girl before. His Sin usually makes him close every girl out, him not wanting get involved. I know its a touchy subject, but he had sex with you. He has never done that before, meaning that you must obviously mean something to him. I'm pretty sure he means something to you as well."

"Thats the thing Jimin" I say quietly, not wanting to have this conversation anymore. "He's hurt me too many times. I can't allow myself to fall for someone who was so cruel to me. Yeah, we might have slept together, but that was obviously a mistake. Why would I want to date someone who called me a slut afterwards anyway? He makes me feel so small and insecure, and his words hurt more than he probably knows."

"Lets talk about something else" Jungkook interjects after a short silence, making me sigh in relief. I didn't want to continue talking about this, my headache returning and making me agitated and on edge.

What Jimin said has me thinking, and I don't want to. What he said makes sense, but then again what I said does as well. Both things are there: the attraction as well as the dislike for each other. 

Taehyung has also shown that he is possessive due to his Sin, and I don't necessarily mind that. Like with Jimin, he is being controlled by his powers. He must have grown up in an environment that made him the way that he is now, and I want nothing more than to help him overcome it. He is just making that extremely hard to do. 

If he keeps pushing people away, how does he expect them to be able to accept him for who he is?