Unfazed

86. Unreachable (Deven)

Making eye contact with a slightly pale Deeksha Bhalla, I decided that if it took my confession to prevent her from spiralling into a panic, so be it. "Deeksha Bhalla, I have liked you for a long time. A school boy's crush to well – a VERY major crush now. I never approached you because in the social hierarchy of the time, you were a popular kid and I was.. well.. me. Plus, there was Harsh – so..."

"So, you never spoke to me, never approached me – never did anything out of the blue" she finished for me.

"Yeah – and of course, I didn't know if you even knew me, much less like me.. you know?" I asked, trying to get her to say something, anything. A very secretive part of me also hoped she would say that she reciprocated my feelings.

"But now?" she asked. WHY ARE YOU KILLING ME? My head screamed at her. Stay Calm, Dev –I said to myself and replied, "Now.. I know you're a mess. You argue with me – about EVERY thing. You are more trouble than I bargained for."

Deeksha's breathing is even and her face falls; so, I know I have her full attention now. I continue, more confidently. "You say you split cookie dough equally between us – but you actually split it as 60-40 where 40 is mine. The amount of drama your life entails for no rhyme or reason is almost like watching a reality show," I say. Slowly, her eyes are widening and there is a smile beginning to form on her lips.

"But?" she urges, when I take a pause and I know as much as she does that if I say the next few sentences boiling in my mind – there is no going back for either of us. If I don't, Deeksha Bhalla will be the most beautiful question of "What If" I ask myself, when I'm at my deathbed.

"But..." I drag and I know there is confusion that clouds her. Self-doubt and years of secretly deprecating herself that bubble up to the surface of her mind. How I wish I could make her see things the way I do!

"Honestly, I don't know. You are one of the most annoying people I know. Yes – you are stubborn as a mule and sometimes, I want to physically shake you to get some sense into your head when you're being obstinate and I hate your guts SO MUCH when you walk around being a little miss know-it-all. And SOOO much more, when you're right and give me your 'I told you so' look – even though you don't say anything explicitly", I say. There – if she thought I would make this easy for her, boy, was she wrong!

As I finish my little rant, Dee breaks eye contact with me and looks down at her own hands in her lap. Super human as a lot of things about Dee are, I have never seen her as vulnerable as this. So... Human. Fragile.

I smile to myself as I let the next words out of my mouth, no longer bothering to be careful or refined in my speech, "And yet – You are one of the strongest, most resilient people I know. You don't seek validation from people and know how to hold your ground. No matter how grave the situation is, I have never seen you without a smile on your face. And – if you let me, I'd like to be sharing my cookie dough with you for a very, very long time."

Through the course of my speech, Dee's head shoots back up and her expressions go from despair to confusion and finally a strange mix of bafflement and surprise.

"You're joking!!" she said. Then she called me a couple of names I don't want to repeat. Had anyone else said those things to me, they would be six feet under – but when Deeksha said it, I laughed!

"Oh – You! You have the audacity to do that to me?!?! YOU GAVE ME A FRIKKING HEART ATTACK!! WHAT THE HELL!!!" she said, her voice rising to a scream towards the end of her abuses.

I couldn't stop laughing at her reaction no matter how hard I tried, but in her anger that I now found adorable, I was stopped short when she sighed and mumbled, "Falls for THIS guy of all the people. Why Deeksha?!?" to herself.

"Excuse me?!?! I didn't quite get that", I teased turning around to sit with my back against her door, chuckling to myself. A knock on the window above my head made me turn to face her again. "You'll have to pay for this" she said, a scowl etched into her face. I lift an eyebrow, waiting for her to go on.

"Cookie Dough?" she asks with a smile, eyes closed and her forehead pressed against the glass of the window.

"All the cookie dough in the world," I say, mimicking her, from my side of the glass.