"Lifeless. I had no thoughts, no visions, I didn't move. Just, dead."// In which boyband member Zach Herron must face torments, find himself, and also fight for his young requited love.
completed: december 25th, 2018
thank you again to @happyforherr...
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It's been a week since the hospital incident and the boys and I returned to work yesterday and started working on a song, but we don't need to go to the studio today. What troubles me is that April hasn't talked to me since the hospital. She only talks to Corbyn and Daniel which only makes me greener with envy.
What did I do wrong?
Today I have decided I've had enough and march into her room. She is peacefully sleeping, seeing as it's only eight in the morning. I don't want to wake her from the comfortable snooze, but we need to talk. I shake her gently, her eyes finally cracking open. Her eyes widen and she quickly shoots up and backs away from me. It hurts everytime she does this.
"I-It's me... Zach," I cough and glance down awkwardly. She rubs her eyes and finally scans me.
"What is it?" she asks in her gentle voice. We look into the depths of one anothers souls and I try reading her, try to figure her out, but it's impossible.
"Why won't you speak to me?" I croak.
She looks away and I see the gloss in her eyes, "Zach," she breathes out, "I'm tired of hurting you," she sniffles. I reach out slowly and hold her hand in an effort to comfort her which clearly isn't working.
"What do you mean?" I whisper.
Her eyes finally meet mine and I can see the pain that has formed. This gorgeous girl has been through too much. "I'm paranoid. I'm scarred... I'm.. I'm broken," she sobs and I open my mouth, but she continues, "You don't need that. You need a confident, happy girl because, Zach Herron, you are a happy boy. An amazing boy who deserves the world. I-I can't give you anything!" she cries and I feel my own tears slipping for the millionth time in two weeks. "See? All I can do is cry and then you cry! You shouldn't be fucking crying! You should be laughing and smiling your bright smile.."
"April-"
"Don't make this harder than it needs to be, Zach. You need to be happy and I... I need to find myself. I need to heal. Unfortunately, you can't break yourself to heal me," she whispers, her hand on my cheek as her thumb lightly strokes it. I stare into her eyes and all I feel is love. Not pain like she's saying.
"I'd do anything for you. So I'm not letting you go. Not again, not ever," I say, looking her in the eyes so she knows I'm being completely serious.
"I know you think that we're meant to be together, but I'm not the same April you made out with outside the bathroom," she says and I blush, "I'm an April that was raped.
My eyes immediately fill with water and I try fighting it, try to stay strong for her, but those words only make my heart heavy.
She grabs my hands and makes me look at her, "You can't fix me. No one can."
I tear my hands away from her, "Bullshit! You know I'm here for you and always will be! I'll always protect you and understand you so why the hell can't I fix you?!" I raise my voice, startling her. She is scared at first before I see a fire in her eyes.
"Tell me, Zach. Have you ever been kidnapped?"
I stare at her blankly, "No.."
"Have you ever been raped?"
"N-"
"Have you been raped four fucking times?!" she screams and my heart breaks.
"Baby," I cry, and reach to wrap her in my arms, but she pushes me away, the fire in her eyes burning bright.
"You don't understand me and never will! Stop acting like I'm doing something wrong! I-I'm just doing what's best for you! For both of us!"
I feel like hitting something, "What?! How would you know what's best for me! My happiness is wherever you are! Broken or not I will always love you!" I yell with a fury.
She shakes her head and lets out a bittersweet chuckle, "I know that you deserve to be happy. The old April made you happy, Zach. But me, this April... she makes you sad. She makes you depressed. So I do know what's good for you and it's not me."
There is silence as I think of what to say, but can only come up with one thing, "But I love you," I whisper, playing with my fingers.
She lifts my chin up and I get a good look at all of her perfect features. Her cute nose, fitted eyebrows, pink cheeks, plump lips, and those eyes. The green eyes I fell for. April leans in slowly and so do I. Our lips mesh together and my favorite feeling ever is her lips against mine, an eternal flame that I just know will always be there. We pull away and catch our breaths, our eye contact not breaking for anything, "I love you, too," she answers, making my heart pump with happiness. "But I have to leave."
Those words pull me out of my daze and I stumble backwards. "W-what?!"
She looks down in guilt, "I'm leaving Los Angeles for some time. I'm... I'm going back to New York, where I grew up," she gives a faint smile.
I am dumbstruck. "Wha-what?! April! You-you cannot just leave!" I yell at her, so angry that I just got her back and she wants to abondon me.
Her green eyes glare at me, "I can do what I please."
"Just.. tell me why. Why the hell do you want to leave?!"
"Because I can't be around you guys!" she screams, leaving me shocked. We both sit there in silence for a little before she continues, "I... I need to be alone. Secluded for sometime... A-away from this city that... that reminds me of my incident and of my mother," she whispers this time.
I hold her face in my hands, "Please, don't go, April... I-I just got you back and-"
"You didn't get me back," she interrupts, "I'm not the April you're in love with," she says softly, tears streaming down her cheeks rapidly.
I let go of her and nod because my fiery anger always seems to get the best of me, "You're right," she looks up at me as these bullshit words spew from my mouth, "The April I fell in love with wouldn't leave me. She wouldn't give up on me. On us," I spit. Her lips tremble, but at the moment I don't care, blinded by my own stupid stubbornness.
We look into each other eyes once more before I walk out of her room, leaving her alone just like she wants to do to me.
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[A/N: I'm on a god damn rolll whoop whoop! But yeah, sorry there's not a lotta romance rn, we gotta create tension, ya know?? Anyway, don't be mad at me, but future events may be even more triggering than this chapter sooo.. stay alert;)]
