Loyalty (JoshxBrendonxTyler)

24. Mess

Saturday and Sunday went as smoothly as they could. It was slightly disappointing going from Tyler and Josh's house to the retirement home. Well, not slightly, it was just horribly dissapointing. It's the little things like Josh or Tyler not being able to tell him random things like they would when he'd be over. It's the little things like Jim not being able to snuggle him when he felt off.

The little things were becoming big, and fast, too.

His mother wouldn't comfort him fully if he needed it, she'd glance his way and say "everything will be okay, honey." Maybe that's true, but when his mind is racing and his chest feels like it's falling in on him, it's not enough.

He can't help but remember how well Josh did helping him through times of need.

Especially now, getting to enjoy things for awhile, only to flee from them was starting to really damage Brendon in a way that was foreign to him. Every second he spends in the retirement home, it's another second thinking about how much better it would be to have Tyler and Josh around.

It used to be that he had nothing to look forward to, and being with his mother was just something he'd do during the weekends, but now that he has something, something so, so good, waiting for him when he leaves, it's tearing him apart.

The time spent at the retirement home turns into guilt and regret.

The time spent at Tyler and Josh's house is filled with solace and acceptance.

To Brendon, there's no place he'd rather be.

Still, though, he sits beside his mother in her room and complies when she asks for anything, because she needs him more than he needs anyone, right?

He's fallen into a cycle that he feels incapable of fixing, and all he does is complain about it.

Brendon feels horrible, and even then, he feels selfish to think so.

***

Monday, Brendon's alone at work once more. He assumed Luke was still sick-- even though he said he'd be back by Monday-- which meant no one sits across him at lunch. He eats his bagel by himself, sipping on coffee he made in a rush, and texting Josh.

It's really eye-opening how much you rely on someone when they're gone, it has also made him realize he still doesn't have Luke's number.

This seems to be a common theme when it comes to Brendon.

He isn't able to check up on him even if he wanted to.

He could only hope he was doing well.

When someone sits beside him, and another sits in front of him, that's when Brendon slowly lifts his head from his phone, wearily looking to his left and seeing Ryland, then looking forward, and seeing Ryan.

He turns his phone off. "Uh, hey."

"Mind if we sit here? Debby's not in today, and I guess Luke isn't either, huh?" Ryan mutters, taking the lid off the container to his sandwich.

Brendon smiles carefully, nodding. "Yeah, yeah, um, that'd be fine." He says, although the pounding in his heart and the churning in his stomach says otherwise. He completely ignores the subliminal pleas to say no. Even if it's sad to admit, he could use company right now.

The two get comfortable, Ryland taking a long sip of his coconut LaCroix.

"Where is he? Luke." He asks.