coffee // joshler

23

still josh's point of view

KIND OF NSFW WARNING??

also slight trigger warning for mentions of anxiety/depression. this is going to be a wild one, friends.

the night and morning go too quickly and before i know it, im sitting behind my desk at work, my anxiety and depression gnawing at my brain.

every tick of the clock is piercing and every paper i attempt to read is blurred. the black ink stares back at me and i shake my head, trying to ignore every insecure thought wrecking my brain.

i rush through my paperwork, not even reading what i sign and then leave it on stephanis desk with a note that says:

hey, steph. i wasnt feeling great, so i just signed all these so i could leave. make sure i didnt sign away my soul or something lol.
- josh

i get home and check my phone with slightly shaking hands. i have no messages from tyler, or anyone else, so i leave it in my room and head to the shower.

i strip my clothes off slowly, and i watch myself in the mirror.

ive never been very confident in my body, but being with tyler has made me feel better. now that alex is working with him on a daily basis, my self esteem has plummeted once again.

i stare at myself and sigh, breaking eye contact and stepping under the hot stream of water. i let it soothe my aching muscles and my racing thoughts. i lean against the wall, closing my eyes.

i only saw alex for a brief minute the other day, but i saw enough to see every aspect in which he is better than me.

his eyes are a stunning blue, where mine are the brown of a mud puddle.

his hair looked soft and perfectly messy, where mine is always tangled and thinning from too much dye.

he spoke with a confident, clear clarity. i speak in a softer voice, much more awkward and unsure of every word that stumbles out of my stupid mouth.

that's the thing that sticks out most to me. he's just so... sure of himself. and im here overthinking every awkward move ive made in the past weeks.

i eventually decide im clean enough and step out again. i change into a sweater and a pair of sweatpants, and then lay in my bed, the blankets pulled up to my chin.

i have days like this sometimes, where i cannot find the energy or motivation to do anything other than mope and sleep and sit in silence.

my phone rings and i ignore it, pulling the blankets up further.

i remain like this, quiet and drifting in and out of consciousness until i hear someone knocking on my door.

at first, i ignored them, but when the annoying sound kept on after a minute or two, i decided to stand up.

i leave the blanket wrapped around myself and open the door.

tyler is standing there, his cheeks pink. "josh?"

i clear my throat and step aside for him to come in. "hey, tyler."

he steps in cautiously, and waits for me to close the door behind him. "josh, are you mad at me?"

i blink and furrow my eyebrows, confused. "what? no?"

why would he think that?

"i-i," he pauses and takes a breath. "you didnt answer your phone all day, and you didnt come by to get your coffee. i was worried i did something wrong," his voice is quiet and sad, and my heart breaks.