coffee // joshler

29

tyler's point of view

normally, i love my job. i love baking, i love my customers, and i love the people i work with.

today, i miss josh.

we had such a nice night last night, but it made me realize that ive been extremely clingy lately. i feel like im annoying him.

its already almost time for josh to stop by, so i hide in the back.

"are you okay?" alex wipes his hands on his apron and gives me a concered look.

"can you get josh's drink today? its written on a sticky note under the counter. i, um, have recipes to work on and stuff," i make up an excuse and then walk away, hiding out in my office.

alex doesn't fall for my excuse apparently, because he follows me into my office. "what's wrong? did he do something?"

"no."

"i dont believe you," he moves his hand to rub comforting circles over my back. "are you okay, for real?"

"i dont know," i shrug and he sighs.

"let me know if i can do anything, alright?"

i nod and he leaves.

its days like this when i feel the most insecure. i feel like im too clingy and annoying. and i need josh to comfort me and tell me im not, but that's even more annoying and clingy. its an endless cycle of being a sensitive crybaby basically.

i get scared sometimes that he's going to flip a switch one day and he'll hate me. my anxiety eats away at me and when i hear the bell above the door ring, i put my headphones in and go back to the kitchen, playing with a few recipes laying around.

i lose myself in my work, and when alex taps my shoulder to tell me it's closing time, i jump. i pull my headphones out and stare are him with wide eyes.

"what?"

he smiles awkwardly. "its, um, its closing time. i didnt mess with the registers, but i did everything else. am i good to go?"

"yeah, sure. go ahead. thank you," i nod and begin the process of cleaning my station.

after i finish closing the cafe, i decide to walk home instead of taking the bus.

i keep my headphones shoved into my ears and my head down as i walk. the streets are fairly empty, and i feel at peace with the calming piano melodies playing softly and the moon full above me.

i make it to the apartment complex without being mugged, which im grateful for. but i also realize ive walked to joshs building. not mine. i take a deep breath and walk through the entrance anyway, hoping he won't mind me showing up unannounced.

i knock on the door and shuffle my feet, still anxious from earlier. that melts away when the door is opened and im engulfed in a hug.

when he pulls away, his eyes are concerned. "what the hell?"

"what?" i take my coat off and hang it on the hanger next to the door, shaking slightly and scared that he's angry with me.

"where were you? what happened?" he runs a hand through his hair.

"i walked home. what do you mean? what's going on?" my mind begins to race and my heartbeat quickens with my uncertainty.

"you weren't at the cafe and then you were late home and you werent answering your phone. i was worried," he hugs me again and i melt into his arms, wrapping mine around his torso.

"i was at the cafe. i was in the back is all. i was late because i decided to walk home. i had music playing, so i guess i just never got your notifications. i didnt realize it got so late, im sorry," i respond to all of his concerns and he pulls away.

"a-are you, like, seeing alex?" josh doesnt make eye contact with me when he asks this. he stares at the ground and one of his hands comes up to scratch the back of his neck. he seems anxious now, and i feel guilty.

"what?" i take a step back, somewhat offended but mainly sad that hes still insecure enough to think that. "why would you think that?"

"because... i dont know. he was really defensive when he gave me my drink. when i asked what you were doing, he said you were busy in a rude tone. i dont know. saying it out loud makes it sound stupid. you just... you've been acting weird lately, and i don't know why. i figured it was because you liked him more than you like me," his words are rushed and mumbled, but i understand each one.

for some reason, what he says makes me angry. ive been worried about being too clingy, and he assumes im cheating? i guess ive been more distant lately, but he should know me better than to think id cheat on him.

"i cannot believe youd accuse me of that," i cross my arms over my chest and he tugs at his hair.

"no, it's not like that. its-its not you-"

"its not you, its me? what does that even mean in this context? are you cheating on me?" the thought makes my heart break. i should still be angry, but its melted into a more bitter sadness instead.

"what? no. i would never. tyler, will you let me explain, please?" he pleads, his eyes wide and his eyebrows furrowed.

"okay," its my turn to avoid eye-contact now and i look down at the carpet.

"i-i just get really self-concious. like, the time, i... i don't know how to word stuff like this. shit. okay. i mean, its not like im jealous of alex. it's the opposite, really. he's just everything im not and im worried you're going to realize that and leave me," he dumps his emotion into his words and a tear slips down his cheek.

"what?" my voice is soft and confused and josh nods. "josh," i say his name once and wrap my arms around his torso once more. my anger has completely dissolved now and he hangs his head in the crook of my neck.

"im sorry."

"no, im sorry. i shouldve called you or something," i pull away and bring my hands to caress his cheeks. "you're allowed to be insecure, okay? everyone feels that way sometimes. but you don't ever have to be jealous. i love you. and if you ever feel like that, talk to me. i will reassure you every ten minutes if i need to."

"you're not mad?" his voice is quiet and he leans into my palm.

"no. i, um, i was worried actually. i was afraid that i was being too clingy," i let out an awkward laugh and josh leans his forehead against mine. "i guess that made me more distant on accident."

"i guess we're both just insecure losers, huh?"

"im not a loser. i won."

"oh? what'd you win?"

"you."

(an: me when i have bpd and get paranoid that my partner is cheating on me all the time lol)