Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

11.

CATALINA

As he sits on the bench beside me silently eating his sandwich, I can't help but dwell on how much I shared with him yesterday. I've never talked to anyone beside my mom that much about anything.

It isn't just that I talked to him, it's that he talked to me too. Which is weird if you ask me. It's weird that I'm even thinking about it right now. I didn't even finish- or start my paper thanks to how abruptly he left, giving me no choice but to focus on how weird that was.

Believe it or not, I liked talking to him. I can't tell if it was the feeling of letting my thoughts out to someone else, or letting them out to him specifically that made me feel this way.

Is it possible that I actually enjoy his company just the slightest? When he isn't being a complete bitch that is. Maybe I don't though, maybe I simply don't know what other human interaction feels like.

"I like you." I speak out loud. Really, my thoughts are getting too jumbled up in my head and I just have to let at least one out.

"What?" his eyes widen and he's visibly freaked out.

"No. Jesus- not like that." I clear the air so he can calm down a bit. "I meant as a person. Which is odd because I thought I hated you but ever since we talked yesterday, I don't. Now I just can't stop talking like-"

"Okay?" August shifts in his seat on the bench. "You're telling me this because?"

"because I thought you should know."

"Why?"

"Would you like to be friends?" I raise my eyebrows, turning around to face him.

"No. I can't." He clears his throat and shakes his head.

"Why not?" I scoff.

"I don't do the whole friendship thing. Especially not with girls."

He explains and continues to eat his food as if he didn't somewhat embarrass me. I can't help sounding offended but believe me when I say that it is a pleasure for me to even want to be friends with him.

Honestly, I've never had anything remotely close to a friend and I guess the thought of it just sounded nice.

"Definitely not with girls like you either." He adds on.

"and what is THAT supposed to mean?"

Yes, I do take insult to every little thing but that is actually an insult.

"I mean...girls with actual feelings I guess. Who want to talk about real things and actually care-"

"Nobody said I was going to care about you." I glance at the ground because what I said was stupid but I had to say something and defend myself.

"What I meant is that, the more we talk the more I start to know you, the more I start to know you the more I start to like you, and if I start to like you my life is just downhill from there." He explains.

The thought of gaining feelings for him never even crossed my mind. Not only is it unimaginable, it seems impossible for me to like another person.

"So what you're saying is....you can't be my friend because you're scared you're going to have a crush on me?"

"I'm saying- you're a very beautiful young lady with more to you than just a face and maybeeee it wouldn't be so impossible for me to like you if I got to know you." August speaks so smoothly as if this is just a regular conversation. "So it just makes sense for me to not get to know you."

Well that was very straightforward.

"Oh you have actual feelings?" I joke, pretending to be shocked.