Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

63.

CATALINA

"Catalina." Ashton says gently as he crouches down in front of me. "You can't keep doing this to every nurse and doctor who tries to help you."

He's referring to the ones I yell and throw things at. I just want to be alone and no one will allow it. It's like I can see Katherine's face in every single one of them. The uniform... I imagine her wearing it and then next thing I know, my mind is flicking back to the image of her in her living room dead.

and it's worsened since the last time, because every time I see her, I see my mother. Seeing Katherine dead was like seeing Katrina with a bullet in her head instead of her chest. I can't close my eyes anymore and it's driving me crazy. I hate when anyone comes in here and tries to tell me what to do instead of just leaving me alone.

I try to hold back tears of frustration. "I just don't want them to touch me." my voice trembles.

"If you want to go home, you have to. Okay? Or at least talk to them and say what's wrong."

"No." I shake my head. "Just make them leave me alone."

"Can I do it?" He asks. "If you let me do your examines then I can try to make them leave you alone."

I reluctantly nod my head as I wipe away tears from eyes. "O-okay."

Ashton stands up and gets the clipboard that the nurse left on the nightstand. When he reaches his hand out to touch me, I flinch.

He looks confused. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I mumble. "Can I have a hug? Please?" I interrupt him from doing my examine, trying to take the focus off of my moment.

He smiles at me and leans over to wrap his arms around me. I take a deep breath and sigh before he lets go. I learned that getting a hug from him or Catarina makes me feel better. It even makes my tiny stomach aches go away.

"Don't let them put me under a psych evaluation, I'm not crazy." I tell him.

"I know." He says softly as he holds my chin in his hand.

"Okay."

I know that as soon as he leaves I'm going to turn around and stare at the night light like I've been doing these past couple of days. I should've been discharged by now, but my lack of cooperation keeps me here. Truthfully, I'm afraid to go home. I don't know what will be waiting for me once I get there.

AUGUST

I stand in a corner under the t.v in my room and watch all of the broken glass all over the floor. My chest rises and falls and I catch my breath. I feel a throbbing pain in my wrist and hand, but that's not my problem. My problem is that everything I do, I always do the wrong thing. I had saved Catalina's life and somehow simultaneously made her wish she wasn't living.

I hear the whispers in the hallways and when I ask Lily about her she always frowns because she feels bad for the 'new nurse who had a miscarriage and is always in a daze'. I try not to pass her room or let it be known to her that I'm still here— not that she'd care much anyway. I think Catalina is the one who found Kathrine's body. I waited at the end of the block that day, I was waiting for someone to walk up just to be sure of who found her. The only person I seen go to her house was Catalina, and she came out running and crying. I know that it's my fault. Even if I tell myself it's not; it is. I won't get over it if I don't go see how she's feeling myself.