Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

59

AUGUST

She stands in front of my quiet for a few seconds just watching the look on my face. I do the same because I'm at a loss for words. What do I say to her? I can't say sorry for the five hundredth time. I get a feeling that I've never felt before me. A pang of both guilt and sadness rush into me at the same time. I can imagine what she said and for the first time I can imagine the hurt she felt...and I don't like what I see. I hate that I caused it.

"I...I don't—" I stutter as I look for the right words. "I...."

She swallows and still stays silent.

"I'm....I wish—" it comes together in my head, but when I try to tell it to her it just sounds like things that aren't worth saying. None of it will change how I made her feel anyway.

Catalina looks me directly in my eyes for about five seconds before she turns around to walk out of the room. She practically teleports down the hall way and out of my sight. I did this. I made her afraid of me, and I'm the reason she can't look me in the eyes. She cries because of what I did to her, and she doesn't think I love her because someone else does it better than I do.

Right on cue, he walks through the door, looking down the hall with furrowed eyebrows as he steps inside. He must be wondering what I did to her now.

I hate him...I hate him more than I hated him last week, and after I saw him kiss Catalina a week ago, I didn't think I'd be able to hate him anymore. I didn't think that until now. I'm looking at him and thinking of how lucky the both of us are that I am confined to a bed. The absolute anger I feel terrifies me. Just looking at him makes me so mad that my ears get hot... and he's done me nothing.

   I hate how he's always being so polite instead of just getting mad all the time like any normal person would, I hate his hair and his face, I pretty much hate anything that I can say I hate. I despise the fact that Catalina has decided that he's 'the one' for her, and I know that I have no one to blame for it but myself.

I can't recall the last time Catalina has spoken to me directly, I don't know if I'm more thankful or mad about it. I haven't figured out what to say to her, but I don't think she meant for me to say anything. I've said everything that I wanted to; yesterday was her first time doing the same. Now she's done with me. She hates me because he loves her.

He loves her and she understands what that feels like, but she doesn't know that I do too. I might just love her more than he does, that's why I hate him so much. She thinks that because he treats her differently that he must love her more than I ever could, but that's not true. It just looks differently. I feel myself going crazy every second just thinking about how I can't convince her otherwise—how I will never get the chance to make her understand what I mean.

"Do you need anything?" Ashton asks me.

"No." I glare at him. "Especially not if you have to get it."

"Okay, whatever." He shrugs. "I'm not the one who needs it."

I huff deeply. Just when I was starting to think that hate might've been too harsh of a word to describe how I felt about him, he proves to me that it isn't.

From the outside of my window I hear a high pitched, joyful laugh. I don't have to look to know it belongs to Catalina. Even though I've probably heard her laugh all of eight times, I recognize it anywhere. It's sweet and it sounds kind. It makes me want to smile, but this time I find myself staring at the window glaring at her and she can't see me.

"Does she laugh in her sleep too?" I ask him bitterly, since he knows so much about her.

"No." Ashton responds as he looks at me the same way I'm looking at him. "She cries in her sleep because of whatever you did."