Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

72.

Ik I just updated like three days ago but I'm so bored, please don't judge 😔😂😂
AUGUST
I turn my head to Lily slowly to make sure that I'm not just hallucinating her voice. I want to rush towards her and express all the emotions I felt the whole time she was gone, but I can't do any of that because of the way she's looking at me. The things she just heard me say from my own mouth not even minutes after she woke up. I feel that it's best that I stay over here and give her all the space between us before I speak.

I look at Catalina, who had come to my room angry for no reason, causing all of this. She can never go without spreading her anger and misery, she always makes sure that she isn't the only one. She looks at me, she looks guilty, but she doesn't say anything as she quickly leaves the room.

"Hi." Lily's voice is raspy and she clears her throat.

"Hi.." I mumble.

"Was that true?" She looks me right in the eyes when she asks me. Her reaction isn't as much as I was expecting it to be, because she just woke up from a mild coma. She doesn't know what day it is or what happened and the first thing she hears is that I killed someone.

I could easily lie my way out of this, but then I'd be taking advantage of her vulnerable state, and to me, that's somehow worse than lying.

"We can talk about it when you get adjusted." I say, pushing her hair out of her face just as an excuse to touch her before everything goes to hell.

"No..." Lily sits up and swallows to clear her dry throat. "I heard you."

"Lily—"

"No. I want to know. Tell me that it was a joke.."

I sigh. I feel stuck. I know I can't lie to her, but I don't want to tell her the truth either. There could've never been a right way for me to say all of these things to her: the horrible things of my past. I even feel bad for her, knowing that she's in love with me. How did I allow her to fall for me knowing what I've done to people? Is it because I was too selfish or careless when we met? I didn't expect all of this to happen, I thought we'd be over long before I had to admit my deepest secrets to her.

"No.." I admit quietly. "It wasn't a joke."

"So you did that?" A gasp comes from her mouth and her eyebrows sink as her full lips turn downwards into a disgusted frown. "It wasn't—"

"You killed someone?" Lily looks at me in a way she's never looked at me before—in a way she's never looked at anyone before. Like she can't believe that a person could do something like that, even worse, that person is me.

What do I even say? There's not much more I can do than admit it and apologize for not telling her before, but my apology won't do her any good. I've never felt worse about it than I do now—I say that with shame, but it's true. I feel agony as she looks at me with her eyes low and her eyebrows furrowed, too in shock to cry.

"Its not...I'm not the same person..." I stutter and fumble over my words.

I can't say anything. I don't even have a good enough reason to make up an excuse, because saying I did it because of any other reason than I wanted to would be a lie.

"Get out." She turns her eyes away from me to look at the sheet that she's holding in her hand.

"Lily, I'm—"

"Get out." She repeats, fisting the sheet in her hand and her eyes begin to tear up. ;'

I don't know what to say. I can't imagine that anything I say will make up for it, especially not now when she's just woken up. I look at her, I don't say anything but my chest feels heavy. I've never had this feelings before, but as I turn away to give her space, it seems as if my whole body is numb.