Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

64.

CATALINA

I sit beside Ashton in his car mad at the world. I'm mad at myself for hating myself, I'm mad at him for insisting on trying to help me, I'm even mad at the car for starting up so he can take me home where I have no choice but to focus on my misery.

"You rushed me to get home and it's not like you're ever going to be at home anyway." I roll my eyes as I lean my head on the window of the car.

"Would you have preferred to live in a hospital?" He furrows his eyebrows and flips his hands on the steering wheel.

"I don't know...at least people are there!"

"Catalina I didn't drag you out of the hospital. You said it was okay for you to get discharged."

"What if I still have dead baby lingering inside me and I start bleeding?"

Ashton scoffs and looks at me. I might be a little harsh to refer to our sewing needle sized kid as the dead thing inside of me, but to be frank, that's all it is- or was. It wasn't even really a baby yet, and I didn't know it existed so I can't understand why he gets so butt hurt when I talk about it any kind of way. I'm the one who bled out in a car seat.

"You can't talk about it any other way can you?"

"No." I shrug. "It wasn't even the size of a blueberry yet—"

"You don't know what it would've been like." He says like he's been saying for the past week.

He keeps dreaming about what would've been, but what would've been isn't what we have. What we have is a relationship on rocks because he thinks that worse thing that could've happened to me is a miscarriage and I think the dead body I saw is taking a much heavier toll mentally and physically. So no, I don't care about the baby I almost had because I'm too scared that the person who murdered my aunt is going to kill me next.

"What I do know is that I don't want a baby. I've never wanted one, and if I was meant to have one, I would've never lost it."

I know that it's more of a 'we' situation, but how can we both be going through it and I'm the one who endured all the pain while it was happening. Plus, like I said, it wasn't even a baby yet. It's not like I killed the thing, I'm just not torn apart by the fact that it's gone.

"Okay...I guess you're right."

"Why are you making such a big deal? If I don't want to push an entire human out of me one day, so what?"

"I don't care that you don't want a baby, I just think you could be a little less harsh. It's not a good reflection of your character." He mumbles the last part and I scoff.

A good reflection of my character? Has he met me? Me not wanting a kid and being harsh is a perfect reflection of my character— it's not my fault that he doesn't get that there is no extra layer under the bitchiness, what you see is what you get. I'm not some angel deep down inside, I'm exactly what I portray myself as.

"Do you know what my character is?" I raise my eyebrows and make an annoyed face at him. "because that's exactly how a person of my character would respond to dodging a bullet."

I could be less obnoxious, but I've become a person who's so miserable that she doesn't care to protect the happiness of those around her. Why should I tip toe around my feelings to make his day better when nothing has ever been done to make me life better?

"A miscarriage isn't dodging a bullet..."

"For me it is. It takes away the guilt of choosing to kill a baby that's not even really a baby yet."