Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

52

I stand face to face with her, frozen with surprise. I haven't seen this woman in the flesh since I was about twelve years old. Now that I'm older, I understand why she left, but I can't see how her leaving made things better. It only made it worse. She was my mother as far as I knew. I bet none of the things I did would've happened if she just could've been there for me a little while longer.

Resenting her only made me resent anyone who had anything to do with that family. Not to place the blame on anyone other than myself, but if it hadn't been for her abandoning me, none of this would've happened.

She takes a step back in bewilderment as she tries to map out my face. She hasn't seen me in so long, I'm sure she think that's I'm just someone who 'looks like' the little boy she used to know.

I clear my throat, and turn my head away to refrain from making eye contact. I see that she hasn't turned away from looking at me, and she won't stop until she gets the guts to ask me who I am.

"You look oddly-"

"Yes, it's me." I shake my head in vexation as I push the elevator button.

Her eyes widen, and an unmistakable smile takes over her face. She's smiling like she didn't abandon me, but someone kidnapped me they just returned me home; she's smiling like I didn't kill her sister. She's smiling at me like she knows me and that's what I hate the most.

"Oh my god." She mumbles quietly to herself. "You're so.....so grown up."

"I wasn't going to stay twelve forever." I lift my eyebrows in 'duh' sort of way.

"I know, but....I don't know what I was expecting, but my goodness. You're so so grown up."

"Okay. Is that all you're going to say?"

"No, I just don't know what else to say." She remains looking at me astonishment, like she'd never seen me before in her life.

"You could start with sorry...or an explanation. Pretty much anything. I assumed if you cared, you would've thought about these things." I shrug. "Not a big deal, not like you exist to me."

I push her away out of anger and guilt. I can't get to know her and pretend to be the same person she knew. I'm mad that she left me, but that doesn't affect anything nearly as much as me knowing that I killed her sister. How do I look her in the eyes knowing I'm the reason for it? My answer, quite simply, is that I don't look her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"Okay." I shrug.

I tap my foot on the ground impatiently as I wait for the elevator to open. It's never seemed to take as long as it is right now.

"I'm so sorry. I know you probably hate me and don't want to talk, but I'm here. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here. If you don't know where to find me, I work here now."

Why does everyone work at this stupid hospital!? All the people I hate. God forbid someone shoots me and I have to come here; I'd rather take the risk of waiting longer to get to another hospital.

I find myself pushing the elevator button anxiously, I hadn't even noticed until the door finally opens. This day couldn't get worse.

When I get off of the elevator, I notice that I had come to the floor Catalina is on. I know that seeing her will make me feel less stressed. I'm too selfish to not do it. It says a lot about me: the fact that I'm going to go see her to make myself feel better despite knowing that she's had enough for today. I'm horrible, and I hate that I can't make myself be anything else.

I glance inside of her room to find that she's asleep. She's asleep with her face snuggled in the crook of Ashton's neck as he holds her in his arms. The sight does me more harm than good. The way she's resting so peacefully in his arms, like he's the only person in the world who won't give her nightmares, causes a sickening feeling in my chest. Maybe it's God punishing me for my cynical ways. If I had just pushed myself to turn around and leave her alone, I would've never seen it.