Grey Clouds On The Horizon

Live With It

Dear Dr Johnathan Flynn,

It was delightful to hear from you again. I've attached a copy of the document that you requested with my notes on each of the points you asked about. Please call the theatre with any additional questions and my assistant will pass them along to me. He has signed a NDA and will be discrete.

I'm doing well, thank you for asking. I hope your wife and the children are thriving. It's not as chilly here as I have thought by this time of the season.

Sometimes I wonder if enough time as passed, and enough distance, to go back to Seattle. It was always where I did my best work. Then I hear from you, or Elliott, that Mr Grey is still struggling. Is it sick I want to reach out and heal him? I ache to repay all the kindnesses he's done me. The right thing to do is to continue to stay away. I'm aware of that. Temptation must be my cross to bear.

Elliot came to town for my birthday but I was too depressed to answer the door. I packed up my belongings from Mr Grey's condo. If he stops by or finds out it's empty somehow, he'll panic. So I hope he decides to keep his curiosity to himself. My influence on his life should have ended when our contract did. That's the proper way.

Thank you for the birthday bouquet. For a girl without family left, a lot of people remembered.

Living With Regrets,

Em

Christian's POV

"Oh Christian..." Dr Flynn shook his head with doubt. "If I didn't believe I was sitting across from a changed man I would have reported you to the authorities ages ago."

"You should have." I croaked and stared at the wall. "Em deserves justice for what I did."

"And what do you believe you did, Christian?" John leaned back in his chair and tapped his pen on the arm.

My head spun with memories of her pained cries. "I raped Emilia. Theres nothing else to call it. I pushed her past her natural limits, I deliberately ignored her safe words... I'm no better that that bastard teacher of hers."

"I've spoken to Emilia." Flynn confessed and avoided my eye contact. "Many times, actually. She doesn't see it that way, Christian. To Miss Stewart, you were just a dominant who was filling the duties to his submissive and holding her to the same standard. She has nothing but good things to say about her time with you."

Anger burned within me at the nonsense I was hearing. "I branded her fucking face, John! I choked her, I beat her, I make her bleed... I gave that girl enemas and fed her bars of soap. It was torture. I intended for it to torture her. If she's accepting of that then she needs help."

He rubbed his eyes with exhaustion. We'd been at this for hours. "You're not the first sexual sadist that I've met. Emilia also isn't the first sexual masochist that I've spoken to. Everything you did was supported by your contract. I've read it."

I stood up and paced the room. "Fuck the contract!"

"Any remorse you feel is yours to do with what you wish." His voice was collected. "But in the eyes of Emilia, who is the only one that really can decide what happened, your only crime is blaming yourself for how it ended. You're her idol."

"I don't want to be." I tried to sit back down and my leg bounced. "It would be easier if she hated me."

"No it wouldn't." John denied. "Pretend I had a contract in my pocket right now. It was the same agreement that you and her had before that let you do what you did. If you could verify that she consensually of sound mind signed her portion, would you sign yours?"

Immediately, I knew the answer. "Of course I would."

Flynn sighed. "And why is that?"

Guilt consumed me. "Because I'd take her any way I could have her."

"Jesus Christ, Grey." Dr Flynn sounded worn down beyond his years. "Do you believe me now? Will you even consider the possibility that you don't feel guilty for what you did but for the mess you left behind?"

I nodded. "Maybe you're right. I think of her smoking outside that bar in Dallas and she looked like unfinished business."

"Don't do that." He snapped and I scoffed.

"Don't do what?"

He grabbed a tissue from his desk to wipe ink blots from his page. "Don't turn Emilia, who is a human being, into a representation of your suffering. She's not a statue to remind people of what could have been. Own your suffering for what it is. Your pain isn't something to be contained and put away. Just feel it."

My mind flashed back to Elena's dungeon. "I've felt plenty of pain."

"Yes, but none of it belonged to you."

* * *

Em knelt by the side of the couch running her fingers through my hair and dabbing the sweat from my forehead with the sleeve of her blouse. "Shh, it's okay Mr Grey. You're safe. It was all just a bad dream." Her whispers soothed me and I allowed her to continue doting on me while I tried to catch my breath.
   
"Did I wake you?" I asked, unsure exactly what time it was. Or why Em was fully dressed.
   
She shushed me sweetly and her deep blue eyes were full of kindness "No you didn't wake me, Sir." Em leaned down and kissed my forehead with her too plump glossed lips. "Marcus is traveling and scheduled a video conference instead of our typical weekly meeting. Don't worry, Mr Grey."
   
I reached a hand up and stroked her cheek. "You work too much." My whole body was trembling and it didn't go unnoticed. She closed her eyes with her gentle patience and gathered my hand into hers.
   
Her silhouette shook in disagreement. "Let's get you to bed, Sir." Em reached for my other hand and grabbed it with a tender touch. I cooperated by sitting up and standing to follow her into my bedroom. She positioned me at the edge of my bed and nodded for me to sit while she fluttered into my closet only returning when she'd found a fresh set of clothes.   
   
"Em" I scolded playfully and she ignored me.
   
"Arms up." She ordered and I only obeyed when she grabbed the bottom of my sweat soaked shirt. Quickly and efficiently she yanked it over my head and replaced it with the new one. "Stand." I stood and she handed me the new underwear and pajama pants. "Everyone feels better in clean clothes. Sleep well, Sir." Just when I thought Em was going to go she stood on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek and then turned down a corner of my bed and padded out of the room.
   
Exhausted, I changed and laid down only to stare at the ceiling for several hours wondering what had just happened.
   
"We should talk about what happened this morning." I grumbled with a cup of coffee in hand and plopped myself at the breakfast bar in front of plate of what looked like prison gruel. "Wait, what is this?"
   
A sweet smile spread across her face. "Home made biscuits with sausage gravy. And there's nothing to talk about. As far as I remember the last time I saw you was when I went bed last night, Mr Grey."
   
"But" I protested and she raised a hand.

"Truthfully, I don't remember a thing."

Living in the denial Em provided me was comfortable. If I could give her my raw pain, I'd never have to process it something of substance. And life could go on exactly as it had...