Grey Clouds On The Horizon

More Alone Than Ever

Christian's POV

My leg bounce d with anxiety in Dr Flynn's office and I chewed on my bloodied finger nails that were down past the flesh. Every inch of my Boyd was a raging crater of water and my hope a drinking ship. Anxieties as angered sirens lured me under the surfaced and I was helming breath by the bound of my bony cage. If I'd suffered before, I was now an inch from death. At least when Anastasia was comatose I could watch the rise and fall of her chest and touch her supple skin. No matter which direction I reached there was no placing Emilia in my world. I could not twirl with her in my arms the way I had my wife and my aching muscles, deprived as the rest of my body of reprise, wept with strain to reach my darling girl. 

"Christian?" John sternly snappe d me from my sanity robbing trance. "Are you with me?"

I huffed a resentful chuckle, "Unfortunately."

He smirked into his notebook and shrugged. "Would it. be fair to assume you'd rather be out looking for Miss Stewart?"

No, I thought. I'd rather be holding her. I nodded anyways,. "What other choice do I have? Let her go? Assume that he's dead and chaos into to look or her? As if she never existed at all? As if I never loved her?" My raised voice strained in my that.

John rubbed his eyes in defeat. "I'm not suggesting that, Christian. I understand the Emilia was very important to you."

"She IS important to me, John!" I growled, unsure the animal within me would stay contained much longer when I needed to be hunting. 

He help up a hand. "Of course, she IS very important to you. So I find it entirely reasonable that you'd rather be looking for her right now, but you have a dozen men pounding the pavement. And still you're shaken."

My teeth chattered and fingers trembled. "I'm shaken? Of course I'm fucking shaken. I dare you to imagine that the woman you love is out in the wet and cold and is either in danger or fucking dead! Then act like me being shaken is such a ridiculous thing!"

Defeated, he nudged his chair back and pinched the bridge of his nose. I settled back in my seat. "Why did you come here, Christian? Go back out if you want to. Hit the streets. You want orb there and I'll still be around when you. find her." John took off his glasses and leaned forward. "And you will find her, Christian. That girl knows how to survive and she loves you. Em will come home. You're not going to lose her, I promise."

His truth both wounded and uplifted me. Such a gentle soul as Emmy should have never had to know such pain and danger but her ability to endure could have meant my entire life slipping away from my grasp or coming together in perfect harmony.

"I miss her, John." I shook my head and cleared the frog from my throat. "And I need her here now more than ever."

"Why?"

My shoulders rose and fell. "I can't be a father without her. Or a husband."

John rolled his eyes. "And why do you believe that?"

I swallowed hard. "I'm not a good man, John. I'm terrible. I need to cause pain and suffering before I can be anything more than purposeless evil."

He pursed his lips. "And Emilia will accept that pain and suffering for you."

"Without question." My head bobbed gently and I surrendered. "She's too good to resist or say no as long as she felt she was doing the right thing."

"Oh Christian..."

I raked my fingers through my tangled hair and yanked at the roots. "I know how fucked up that is, but I do love her. As much as Ana, even. I've come to accept that know. But its is..."