Grey Clouds On The Horizon

For His Peace

Ana's POV

Checking out of the hospital, after returning for a comatose state, was about as difficult as it sounded. Convincing the various doctors that I was well enough to receive in home care, after in home care had gotten me to this place, wasn't an easy task. It took Christian threatening to sue the hospital for them to agree in supporting the transfer. The rules were strict, focusing primarily on rest and therapy, but I took comfort in knowing that I'd have more control there than I currently did.

My husband wheeled me down the hall towards the elevator with discharge paperwork tucked between his palm and the chair handles. His laugh was nearly giddy and I couldn't stop smiling. Taylor met us in front of the hospital and opened the door while Christian helped put me in, then strap me into, the back seat.

"I am relieved to see that smile again." Taylor said when he was putting my chair in the trunk and Christian was getting into his seat.

"Me too, Taylor. Me too." My husband assured him and I was more than just happy to be going home.

Once we were in the elevator at Escala, alone during the quiet climb to the top, a wave a dread washed over me. We were about to return to the place where my husband had taken her and touched her body. While I knew what happened, I hadn't said anything to Christian yet. I would, of course, but it had never felt like the right time. Trying to explain how I could be both hurting and not angry seemed impossible but saying anything less would be a lie. Or at least an omission of truth. 

My wounds were raw from the betrayal and inadequacy I felt but had been cauterized by the euphoria of seeing Christian again. He was real. This wasn't the meadow. My Mr Grey was not a scared child but a man delighted by being reunited. Our lips could touch, he wore his suits and he was healed. I didn't have to protect him anymore. The Christian before me, unlike the one I'd left behind or the one in the meadow, was capable of taking on the world in front of him. He was secure and happy. When he breathed in my face after a kiss, that breath didn't read of cognac and his eyes didn't falter with lack of sleep. Whatever happened between Emilia and Christian had given him some peace. So I would find a way to cope. It was my turn to learn to live with it.

We lounged in the living room, the day shift nurse sitting at the dining room table just out of casual earshot, and I found the nerve. "I know about Emilia, Christian."

His face fell and he closed his eyes with shame. "I'm sorry, Ana."

"Don't" I told him, unable to take the conversation again. "I don't want to fight about this. I'm happy to be home with you and I'm happy that you found peace while I wasn't able to give it to you. So, I don't know, just tell me about her."

Those deep grey eyes looked at me the same way they had in the meadow, with the wonder of a child. "Why? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say."

"I just want to understand, that's all." I shrugged my shoulders, trying to seem nonchalant while I pulled a bandaid off my broken heart. "Why do you love her?" It was the most painful question. Bad news belonged before good news in my eyes.

He cleared his throat and looked at the ground. "It has nothing to do with not loving you, Ana. You have to understand that. I love you more than anything in the world. You taught me what love was, for fucks sake. Even if I'd experienced it I'd never known how to nurture and build trust upon that love. I suppose that Em fills something in my heart that I didn't know needed to be filled. Before you, I had no idea my heart was even there. Let alone it had an empty cavern"

"What is it full of?" I asked, keeping my question short on purpose. It made the whole thing a lot easier.

Christian pursed his lips. "I'm not sure quite how to put it into words. But I'll try. Ana, you are a woman. You are an adult. You are strong willed, sexy and you have this presence like a woman does. Theres never a question in your mind about what you want, hence why you still work at Grey Publishing instead of quitting since you have more money than you'll ever need. Somehow you have this gift of passion and it doesn't matter what anyone else says because your dreams are a part of you." He admired me with his eyes then looked down and shifted uncomfortably. "In so many ways you fulfill me. Sexually, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, romantically... But there are other things I need. I'm ruthless and controlling. There is a need inside me to guide and manipulate and form a broken girl without direction into the woman that I want her to be. That's what I did with Em. She is my greatest creation and I'm so proud of her."

His words circled around my head like gnats. "So, you love her because you made her into your perfect submissive?"

"No," My husband chuckled and looked out the dark window over the city. "She was far from perfect. You're my perfect woman, Anastasia Grey. No, I love Emilia because I made her into the best possible version of herself. Or, I was trying to anyway. Now I'm not so sure it made much of a difference."

Despite the fact that we were talking about the woman he'd taken to our playroom while I was in a coma, I had an irresistible urge to reach out of him. My hand rested on the back of his and rubbed it gently. "Okay, Christian. I get it. So, I just need to understand what you want me to do. Am I supposed to just share you with her? Sleep in one giant bed and pretend it doesn't rip my heart out when you touch her?"

"Of course not." Christian shook his head. "I just want to bring her home. Upstairs, in that room, is where she can be safe from whoever it is that's on the path to kill her. She's basically a little girl in her mind sometimes. Her decisions are terrible. Em needs me to protect her from herself and the world"

"Alright." My voice was defeated. That wasn't really something I could argue with, his compassion for the mother of his lost child. "And then what?"

He pulled me under his arm and planted kisses on my head. "I guess I just have hope that you'll learn to love her, in your own way. With time, I mean. It seems like she has that affect on people. Elliott and her are very close friends."

I tried to force a smile. "And if I don't?" My plan wasn't not to try; I would do my best for Christian. Still, I needed to know what my future looked like if I wasn't capable of falling for the girl.

Christian looked pained for a second and then shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. If you can't love her, or respect her enough to let her love me, then I'll just let it go. I'll assign her a CPO, get her a place near by and make sure that she stays out of trouble. Just protect her from herself. Emilia has been a great friend to me and I owe her that much."

"Okay." I choked out and wrapped my hands around my protruding belly. "Fine. I'll give it a shot." Stray tears dripped down my cheeks.

"Oh Ana..." My husband groaned with misery and reached out to me, trying to pull me into an embrace that I shrugged. "You don't have to. I won't hold it against you if you don't think that you can. The only reason I ask is because I need her. I need her because I have to take responsibility for what I created and who I used to do it."

The back of my arm swiped over my eyes to remove the moisture. "Stop acting like you created some type of monster."

His grey eyes were dark with anger and sadness. "I did create a monster, Anastasia. Em just happens to be the type of monster that destroys itself instead of the world around it."

Dinner that night was quiet and we went to bed early, Christian insisting that my rest was the most important thing. I pretended to be asleep as he spooned his body against mine. His nose nuzzled behind my ear and I felt the draw of him inhaling my scent. Inside Christian Grey's arms was my home. Sure, the home I had come back to was messier and a bit more occupied than when I left, but it was still mine. There was no where else I'd rather be.