Grey Clouds On The Horizon

A Clean Slate

Ana's POV

Christian and I sat in silence after Elliot and Carrick were escorted out. They had waited nearly an hour for him to say something, but he had sat with his head in his hands for long enough to indicate the conversation was not going to continue. At least not that day. It was only when I heard the front door shut, Taylor announced he was going back to the security room and the sun began to set over the water that a sob rolled through Christian's chest and tears began to flow down his wrists and arms. I rubbed my hand where I could and whispered words of comfort into the crook of his neck.

"Shh, it's okay. You're alright." I tried to kiss his cheek and felt the stone man under my lips. "Christian, everything is going to be fine."

"I missed-" He rubbed away moisture with the heels of his hand and still would not meet my eyes. His shoulders remained hunched into an uncomfortable arch of tension and submission. "-years of my daughter's life that I didn't have to because I was too drunk to remember that she existed. That I- How is that ever going to be fine?" Christian couldn't bare to repeat his second crime.

I pressed my forehead into the side of his face, looking for any way I could connect with the man who seemed to want anything but my affection. "It's not ever going to be okay that you did that. That you blacked out when you met Delilah and that you hurt Emmy. Those things were terrible Christian but that's because you're human and you have your own demons just like the rest of us. We all do things that we regret. None of it can be changed. The only thing you can do is be better. A better father, better man, better husband."

"A better Dominant." Finally my fifty looked at me, seeming more child than man as we fell deeper into the rabbit hole. "I'm your husband, Ana. You need me as a husband. Delilah and our son need me as a father. Emilia... I just don't know anymore. Maybe I never did know. Does she needs a husband or a Dominant or something else entirely? And what that could be I have no fucking clue."

"I do." Was it not obvious to anyone but me?

Christian huffed. "If you know what Emilia needs then you've unlocked more secrets of psychiatry than half the top specialists in the country including Dr Flynn."

"Maybe the expensive charlatans of the world are making this far more complicated than it has to be." I laughed and brushed at Christian's still shaggy hair to run my nails across his scalp. If I could see the type of soothing that he needed, did it mean I could be right about the needs of a broken young woman's soul?

He leaned into my touch. "Fine. What is the big secret, Anastasia? Tell me."

"A caretaker." I decided. "And a clean slate. That's what Emmy needs from you. The world has been on her shoulders for too long and it's too heavy. She's tired, Christian. Em needs a chance to start fresh, lean on someone else to rest and not live on edge with this fear that at any moment she's going to be punished for things she did when she was a child. Or punished for stumbling when it's not her fault that she's unstable. I'm sure that we can both agree that she did better than most would have given the circumstances."

"Yeah, she did." Christian nodded, and swallowed hard. "Of-fucking-course she did."

I resisted my urge to brush my lips against his and instead ran a thumb across the back and over his knuckles. "Did you ever tell her that? Did you ever tell her that you're proud of her for how she's taken care of herself and Delilah these last few years? And maybe thanked her for raising your daughter on her own? It seems like Em did a pretty good job at being her mom."

This time he shook his head but a small smile pulled on the corners of his lips. "Delilah is wonderful, isn't she?"

"You really love being her dad, don't you?" I pushed away the jealousy that tried to grow itself under my ribs, and felt the redness rose up my chest and neck.