Grey Clouds On The Horizon

Heaven & Hell

Christian's POV

It was the wee hours of the morning when I gave up on finding sleep. There was something, more like someone, much more critical to locate than my own rest. If my tossing and turning woke up Anastasia then I'd have myself to blame if she didn't make a full recovery. Her suffering was already my fault. So I slid out of bed, kissing her alabaster cheek, and made sure that the curtains were pulled. The morning sun did not need to wake her. My love needed her rest.

I sat my desk and looked over the data that Welch had sent my way. Emilia's phone had been in and out of service connection at least twenty times in the last seventy two hours. Locating her that way would be damn near impossible. Putting men on the pavement was the quickest way to find out where Emilia had been hiding.

Ryan and Reynolds had been sent to her old apartment, where Dr Flynn believed she was staying, but no one had answered the door. Watching the one entrance and exit for twelve hours straight had proven to be fruitless in catching a glimpse of the broken girl.

My plans were unraveling at the seams. If I couldn't bring Emilia into my home and under my wing, there was no chance at her, Anastasia and I becoming a real family. Even I couldn't expect Ana to love someone that she couldn't meet. My bare feet padded up the stairs and found myself staring at the room I wished Emilia was asleep in.

If she was in the bed, where she belonged, I could sit by the side and run my fingers through her hair while she slept. As I did long ago, I'd rub the tube of prescription scar remover she'd refused to try over the sprawling script on her eyelid and hope that one day, Emilia would be rid of my mark. I wanted her to wear a wedding band I placed on her finger in a moment of the devotion she'd earned but I'd never given. When the sun poured through her windows, I wanted her to rise and join Ana and I for breakfast. With Ana at my right, and Em at my left, our coffee would be sweet without sugar and days bright without sunshine.

I found myself sitting on the chair in the corner, a glass of cognac in my hand, when I heard a knock on the door frame. My neck snapped up. "Anastasia, why aren't you in bed?"

The words were harsh and my sweetly smiling wife paled. "I'm... I'm sorry. When I woke up you weren't there so I thought I'd check on you." Her doe eyes were full of fear.

"Of course, I'm sorry. Come here." My arms opened to her and she slowly walked across the room to climb into my lap.

"Do you miss her?" Ana squeaked, much meeker than I ever imagined the challenging women would ever be. "Is that why you're up here?"

I shook my head. "Not exactly. I'm just considering possibilities. Missing her would imply that I'd go back and make sure she never left. But I'd never do that, because then I wouldn't have you or our son." My hand rested on her belly and I rubbed gently. Our baby was a miracle.

Twinkling tears brimmed on the edges of Ana's eyes. "Do you want to have babies with her too?"

I stiffened, unsure if the truth was worth the pain yet determined to put my family on the right path. And still, I chose to pave it straight instead of avoiding the difficulties by sneaking around my intentions. "Yes, I suppose so. If it's possible, I mean. Not that she'd make babies any more beautifully than you, my dear." The words felt wrong, with the same restrictions of ill fitting clothes, as they came out of my mouth. Their truth could still not be denied.

"Why don't you just leave me?" Ana stood up and moved over to the bed, dejected. She resisted our pull together like a magnet held by a child. The forces of the world would never let us be apart but she fought on.

I followed her, discouraged by her lack of understanding. "Stop this, Ana. I don't want to leave you. I want you because you're my soulmate. The problem is that who I am is hurting you. Who I am is someone with suffering inside and I can't control it by myself. I need Emilia to take that pain away. Clearly, when I don't release it to someone willing, I manage to hurt someone else. Like you. The only way that I can be a good husband is to make sure that I'm not ruining your light with the parts me of that are dark."

Her brunette bed head, my favorite locks to tuck behind red tipped blushing ears, shook with confusion. "Just be with her then, Christian. Divorce me and marry Em. Do what makes you happy, because I don't want to be the vanilla third wheel for this kinky ride you plan to go on with her!"

I pressed her flushed cheeks between my hands and pulled her towards me. Our foreheads melded together and my hot breath covered her face. She flinched at the harshness of my touch but I had to do it. Making Anastasia understand was all that mattered. "Oh baby, I wish you would hear me. Just listen when I talk."

"I can hear you!" Ana snapped, pushing away from me violently but unable to make me budge. "I'm not good enough."

"No, stop. That's not it." I tried to hush her sobs. "Babe, when I lost you the first time, I promised myself I'd never try to turn you into someone that you're not."

She coughed and gagged with her own emotional torment. "So that's it, right? You're not happy with me so I'm not even worth working with to change or find a compromise? I make you that miserable so you'd rather be rid of me?"

"Of course not." I ran my fingers through her apple scented hair and held back pain in my smile. "Being with you is beautiful, Anastasia. Every minute of loving you is heaven."

"So why her?" Those lips she had a tempting habit of biting began to tremble. "Why do you need her? Can't an eternity with me satisfy you?"

The idea of wounding her further was torture but I was sick of living solely to protect my lies. "No, Ana. It can't. It kills me that it wouldn't be what I need but that doesn't' change anything between us. I'd never survive without you, believe me. Like I said, you're heaven. But I need Em's hell just as much. I'm not all light and I'm not all dark. This is life in the shadows. And I hate myself for not realizing this before I hurt you."

"That's it, then?" Anastasia ran her hands over the fabric of the bedspread. "I have no choices. You're just going to bring her here and I have to find a way to be okay with you loving her. When she's carrying your babies I'm supposed to find a way to not scream at the top of my lungs when my heart is broken in two. That's my future."

"No." My voice was hard and cold. "That's not it. I just want you to try to get to know her like I do. All I ask is that you try."

She pursed her lips to hold back further expression of agony. "Just try? That's all I have to do?"

"You don't have to do anything." I pressed my lips to her forehead. "But it would mean a lot to me if you did. In the end, this isn't just supposed to be about me. My dream is for all of us to be a family. Emilia is very loyal to those she considers friends. She'd love t extend that to you, if you'd let her."

Ana let a huff of justified jealousy out of her nose. "What would she ever have to offer me if she's trying to take you?"

I could have told her about the trip to Dallas or why she'd decided to find me after all these years. But that would ignore the fatal flaw in Anastasia's question. It was one I couldn't leave unaddressed.

"Emilia isn't going to try to take me, Ana." I shook my head and wished that was the truth. It would be easier if it was. "That girl doesn't want me in her life at all, let alone to be mine. It'll take my whole team to find her unless she decides she wants to be found."

My wife was confused in her sleepy state. "So why are you even doing this?"

I pulled my face into a tight grimace. "If Em doesn't get out of whatever arrangement she's in, that man will kill her. And I believe she has something that belongs to me."