Grey Clouds On The Horizon

Cold Without Her

Ana's POV

It perplexed me the way that a woman I'd imagined being cold could look so much like a scared child huddling for warmth. I wondered if ice could actually be young or if I'd merely miss measured her temperature due to the distance that had always been between us. Instead of spitting the venom that had been building in the back of my throat I wanted to mother the girl that so desperately needed that affection but wouldn't have any of it.

I disconnected her laptop from the charger and put it on the coffee table before I pulled a couple warm throw blankets over her shivering shoulders. The remote by the lamp was easily accessible for me to program the blinds for closure before sunrise and I made sure that the light wouldn't disturb our personal sun. For a moment I wanted to correct myself, she was Christian's after all, but I didn't. My desire to keep her here with us had snuck up on me like a lightning storm without the warning of a dark sky.

Making my way back to the bedroom I shared with Christian I tiptoed as best I could as to not disturb the sweetest scene I'd ever witnessed. Delilah slept in a heap of pink flannel on Christian's bare chest and he nuzzled his nose in the wild locks that matched her mother's. If I hadn't been concerned to disturb them I would have taken a picture.

I crawled in and rested my protruding stomach in the groove of Christian's torso before putting a hand on our daughter's back. She didn't move but smiled a bit in her sleep. Laying in that bed together wasn't much, it didn't make watching Christian look at Emilia any easier on my aching heart, but it was something. Perhaps I was seeing a glimpse into the family we'd become. We were imperfect people by our own admission but that didn't stop the way we found warmth and comfort in one another. Whether it was a child in the arms of their father, a wife curled up against her husband or the gentle affection of draping a blanket when the type of love was still too cloudy to read. It was still warmth. And in this season of our lives we needed the heat of one another more than ever.

Even at Christian's side with a softly breathing child in our bed I felt lonely. Someone else belonged at our side that was instead on her own. With time I was sure she'd come to us and our family would take shape from the ruins of its beginning to a wall o defense that could not be bought out or defeated for all the money or with all the power in the world. The cold reached me in a way it never had before I know of the girl in the great room and when I couldn't find rest I made my way out there with my own set of blankets to curl up at the other end of the sectional configuration. Instead of counting sheep I counted the gentle rises and falls of her chest and drifted off knowing that Em was finally home. No nightmares came, only dreams of floral fields. For the first time in far too long, I had nothing to be afraid of.

"Anastasia... Anastasia!" Christian called out across the meadow, a man instead of a boy, wearing white linen and dark denim with bare feet. "Come on Love, Emilia brought a picnic for us."

I looked down my own body towards my beaded sandals and saw a knee length floral dress cascading over my bump. A short walk away, the two of them spread out a picnic blanket with a blonde haired delight using it as a parachute to run under and out of in every nonsensical direction while peeling with glee.

"Hey Ana! Do you want tea or lemonade?" Emmy wondered, kneeling beside the oversized basket.

I pursed my lips to smile, accepting Christian's hand down onto the blanket. "Umm, I'll take the tea."

Em's eyes met with Christian's and he nodded towards the opposite pitcher. "Lemonade, my sweet."

She flushed a shade of pink while she poured our glasses and I helped unload the selection of fruits, cheeses and candied nuts that Em had prepared. My ears were on alert for Christian's comment about the size of our meal, comparing it to a snack or some type of food for birds, but they didn't come. He ignored us entirely and pulled his daughter into his arms to tickle while she squealed.