Saturn- Brallon

35 | b r e n d o n

I'm home alone. Dallon dropped me off so I could shower and get clothes. He asked if I wanted to stay for a while and how could I say no? His apartment is always so nice and cold. Plus, more time to spend with him? That's easily my go to choice.

He says he's also concerned. He sprung it on me while driving. Trapping me in my car with no way out unless I wanted to be Lady Bird and jump out of a moving car. That would only make my arm worse, though. Because I already have a cast on.

Dallon says that I haven't once talked about science-y stuff since I had that graduation scare. I suppose he's right. But what does he want me to do? Not be upset that everything I worked so hard for would be so easily taken away from me? It's much harder than you'd think.

Besides, I have bigger things to worry about. Like getting all the supplies for adopting one of Hayley's cats. And mentally preparing myself for that responsibility.

I sit in my room bored. I have until Dallon gets off of work, which could be 5, or 8, or however long that is.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I've been too scared to drive myself places lately. The thought of not knowing again scares me to the point where if I even step toward the drivers side of the car, I'll throw up. I mean, it's perfectly rational but that means I can't do anything without my mom or Dallon. I can't drive places on my own. I wonder how long this will last.

I'm going to let you in on another secret: hospitals scare me. It's where my dad died, and it's where I've had nightmares of dying. Going into shock and just being dead. That place is the worst. I know, it's cliche to hate hospitals because of all the death and ghosts. But it's scarier when you're on the other end. The end of not knowing and being afraid for dear life. The end of a line between life and death and needing to pick one side. It's scary.

So, yes, being in a hospital once for my dad and multiple times for me has ultimately resulted in lack of interest in things I may have once loved. It's weird though. The thoughts don't stop. Somebody says something and it's complete instinct for me to reply with something related to Jupiter or Mars or whatever my mind desires. It's just a matter of whether I let it spew out of my mouth or hold it back like word vomit.

And then there are the countless books in my room containing information on All Things Space. There are even little learning books with the planets written in size 24 font so kids can pick it up. I wouldn't know where to start with getting rid of them. It may as well be over now. Why bother dragging it on until I "have to leave" to California and end up just coming back because of a mental breakdown. Or possibly not even making it to California because my lungs are so shit they let me down. So why even bother with school after all?

There's gotta be someone I can call to pick me up and take me anywhere but here. There has to be that option for me today. Hayley can't drive at all, Patrick left to Chicago to see his grandparents, Tyler is in Canada to get settled for school. Apparently my contacts list is limited down to Ryan Ross who is on bed rest, and Awsten who is probably working.

I have too many useless contacts in my phone of people who thought we would talk but I've never bothered to start conversation with anyway. And then there's that one contact that I can't bear to lose. Staring at me just waiting for me to do something- anything!

What am I gonna do? Be the heartless asshole that deletes the contact? Or let it just sit there and haunt me for the rest of my phone's life? Or better yet, call it to try to hear the sound of his voice before the phone operators cancel the number and one day I call a random person begging me to stop. There's not much hope for me in this situation. Either way I'll probably end up sad in the end.

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NEW MUSIC BY THE MAINE UGH ITS SO GOOD IM CRYING

-jj