The Life of Nikki Winston

Details and Niners

AN: This chapter contains offensive language that I do not personally use or like, however, for the purposes of the story, I have to put them in. I curse like a sailor, and I would never use a word like this. For the purpose of the story and the fact that they were used in the show only, they are in this chapter.

When I opened my eyes next, the sunlight was streaming into the room through the window. I took stock of my surroundings, making sure I was alone and that no one had come in sometime during the night. Once I was sure I was alone, I changed into some of Opie's clothes and walked out of the room to the kitchen to get some coffee. I found that a pot had been made and drunk, and someone had left the used coffee beans in the machine. With a scoff, I made a new pot of coffee and went to grab a cup when I felt a hand on my ar. I spun around with my fist ready to plow into someone when I hesitated at Jax's face. "What do you want now, Jax?" I sighed, too worn out from last night to fight with him again.

"I'm sorry, Nikki."

"Did my brother put you up to this?" I asked. When silence came, I knew I'd hit the nail on the head. "No, you're not sorry, Jax. You're just feeling guilty because Opie tore into you, probably my dad, too. You don't get to tell me that I killed my baby girl. You don't get to be angry with me. I've done enough beating myself up over it in the past four years that anything you say I will have already thought of. Just go fuck Wendy or Tara and get outta my face."

"Nikki, look, we gotta talk about this." Jax reached out to grab my arm and I backed away from him like he had the plague.

"Don't touch me."

"Fine. We still need to talk about this."

"What's there to talk about? You fucked me, told me that I'd better be on birth control - which I wasn't but you wouldn't listen to me about a damn condom - got angry at me when your dick couldn't keep me here and told me not to come back. I ended up pregnant and I wanted to keep my baby. I did everything my doctor told me to; didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't drive in the last trimester, ate everything I should and ignored a great deal of my cravings, took my meds and vitamins. I did everything I could. I had to be induced a week after my due dat because she just didn't want to come out. As soon as my contractions started they were hard, long, and painful. They wouldn't give me anything that lasted longer than twenty minutes. I begged them to slow my labor down because something didn't feel right. After thirty hours of that, my doctor took me to an OR to get a C-section. They finally gave me an epidural and I had to have three through the whole thing. But when they'd finally cut her out of me, she didn't make a sound. They wouldn't tell me anything while they were sewing me up. I could barely see her through all the nurses and doctors trying to find her heartbeat or get her to breathe. After five minutes they gave up and pronounced her a still-born. They wouldn't let me hold her or say goodbye - they just took her out of the room and told me she wasn't alive. They quarantined me in the hospital for a week to make sure I wouldn't kill myself and when they finally let me leave they gave me this tiny, foot long box that barely weighed a thing. I was going to tell you after she was born what had happened, but after finding out she didn't even get to take her first breath I didn't see the point in telling you that you'd gotten me pregnant. Why would you want to  come for the funeral of a baby you didn't even know or want? I had a family only funeral and buried her in my cousins' family plot. You know everything there is to know, Jax. What more do you want from me?"

"I want to know her name. When she was born. What was it like while you were pregnant. I want to see pictures of her, Nikki." He demanded.

"You're asking too much of me, Jax."

"Why is it too much to ask?"

"Because you didn't want her!" I accused.

"What gives you the right to decide what I would have wanted, Nicole?! You kept the knowledge that I would have had a kid away from me! If you had told me I could have been there and things could have been different! Maybe she'd be alive today if you had told me you were pregnant!" He shouted at me. I tried to push past him but he gripped my arm tightly, no doubt leaving more bruises.