The Life of Nikki Winston

Telling Otto; Talking It Out

The next morning, I went to Stockton with Jax to help break the news to Otto. Once we were inside the visiting room, I sat beside Otto while Jax sat across from us. We had just broken the news about Luann to Otto, and I was doing all I could to console him. "You okay?" Jax asked. I did my best to send him a look that said it was a stupid question to ask a man who just found out his wife had been murdered.

"Something that brutal... had to be... payback or a message." Otto was searching for clarity.

"We don't know. It could have been the scumbag producer. We roughed up Caruso a couple times?" A couple? I thought it was just the time they talked to him and the time I went with them. Did they rough him up yesterday after they left Caracara?

"When?" Otto demanded.

"Yesterday." Jax admitted. Damn it. I hugged Otto as tightly as I could, trying to show him some empathy and solidarity.

"You should go, Jax."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, man." Jax apologized.

"Otto, if you ever want some company... if you need anything special done outside, let me know, okay? I'll come back up to see you soon. If I can I'll sneak you in some of my famous lemon bars. Stay safe. I'll try to make sure everyone at home stays safe, too." I kissed Otto's temple before following after Jax.

"Lemon bars? You think you'll be able to sneak lemon bars in?" Jax questioned me as we climbed into my truck - it having more room so we weren't on top of each other on his bike.

"You'd be surprised what I can sneak inside there. I did slip Otto an audio book and new player while we were in there."

"How'd you do that?"

"If I tell you, then you'll try it and fail. And then they'll be checking everyone coming in for visits. It's best if you just don't ask about it." I replied.

"Nikki... what's going on with you and Lyla? Since when do you get along with anyone but Donna and my mom?"

"I think she'd be good for Happy, and Happy'd be good for her. She's not a bad person, she's just made some bad choices in her life. I can make new friends, you know?"

"I know that, but I'm real suspicious of you getting along with anyone after the way you went after Ima's car."

"Oh, is that the bimbo's name? I never got along with her, Jax. I just didn't want Luann complaining that anyone had broken her face before she went on camera. And by the way, your mother was the one to start that, I just went along with it because it helped me relax for a bit."

"Nikki, what's got you so strung up lately?"

"Everything, Jax. Look, let's just ride back home in peace and listen to the radio."

"We need to talk, Nikki. I don't know what's going on with you, or me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get you to forgive me for all the mistakes I've made between us. I really do want more with you, Nikki. I don't want you to be a rebound or anything like that."

"Jax, if you're gonna try to start this conversation, I'll pull over and you can walk back to Charming."

"Then at least talk to me about the baby. Give me something, Nik. I know I shouldn't have pressured you about her before but I really would like to know something."

"... She was beautiful. Curly blonde hair and blue eyes, just like you. She was so small, even in the beginning. She would have been just like me if she'd been able to grow up - the last few months whenever she was awake she'd kick me so hard I thought I'd have bruises. I think she would have had your sweet tooth, because the whole time I was pregnant I constantly wanted pastries and ice cream and all kinds of candy. When they finally released me... from the hospital... the day I had to bury her I thought about killing myself. I'd carried her for nine months and I didn't even get to say goodbye. My cousins did all they could to help me; sent me to therapy, even put me in a psych ward when I wouldn't eat. It got me eating again but I still wouldn't talk to any of the doctors there. Eventually they had to let me go to make room for voluntary patients. I never talked about it to my family... I didn't want them hovering over me. About two years after she died... I pulled myself together. I knew if she were alive she would be disappointed in me for not taking care of myself; that's all that kept me going for a while. I still can't bring myself to get rid of all the stuff I got for her... it's all in a room in my house, still packed away in the boxes it all came in." I babbled.