Lose Control (The Jewel Project #5)

4.1|| Unlovable

There was nothing but darkness and rage. But as long as the rage was there, Sam could still move, function. His mind could detach and let his body wander aimlessly in the rain.

He didn't know what to do with himself outside his torment, where to go, what to say, what to think.

There was nothing there anymore, no memory beyond what had just happened, no feeling except for being unloved.

Always unloved. Always unlovable. What was wrong with him?

You had your part in this, too.

It was his fault, but not in the way Christine meant. He'd been too naive, too inexperienced, too willing to succumb to a love he thought would last for ever. But now, when the final proof of how misguided he'd always been presented itself, he realized everything had been misplaced.

Christine didn't deserve this. His tears, the pain inside him, all the effort he'd put into their relationship. Always giving, never taking.

If you didn't give me what I needed, I would get it somewhere else.

The anger bubbled up again. Everything. He'd given her everything. And in return she'd stabbed him in the back, through the heart, and refused to take any kind of responsibility.

And it clogged his throat and made it hard to breathe.

He dropped on a random bench at a bus stop and sunk his head in his hands. They were shaking and there was a bitter taste in his mouth that made him nauseous. A heaviness settled over his body as his mind made desperate attempts to keep him functional.

He didn't want to be functional. He wanted to snap. For once in his life, he wanted to lose control and let it all out. For once in his life, he wanted things to go his way.

No more pain, no more sacrifice, no more tears.

A scream escaped his lips, filled with fury, and rang into the night.

Don't snap. Don't rage. Don't lose it.

Fuck this. Fuck this to hell and back.

He got up and started walking again, the nervous energy inside him needing an outlet beside twitching. Walk it off. It seemed to work for Tom. His knuckles throbbed both from knocking that traitorous asshole out and from damaging school propriety. He hated himself for it, but he wished he'd hurt her, too.

They'd been in front of his old locker. The place Lisa had introduced him to Christine, where he'd been so stupidly smitten with her, not seeing the snake underneath the beauty.

There had been so many signs. In her attitude, in her behavior, but he'd been too blinded by teenage love to see it. Like a stupid puppy. Like a rain-washed pigeon, feeding off the crumbs she threw him.

He was so pathetic. So, so pathetic.

Christine was right. This was his fault. A misery of his own making. He just wanted to be like the others, feel the happiness they did with their girlfriends. Jerry had been much braver. He'd detected the toxicity in Tina and walked away. Didn't sacrifice himself to keep her in his life, didn't alter his personality to suit her. He saw a lost cause and let it go.

Sam hadn't. But Christine was smarter, always sensing when she messed up, always changing to show a bit of remorse, to appear to try and fix it just to sink back into old habits. He hated nagging? She stopped it and used more subtle methods to get what she wanted. He didn't care about his wardrobe? She'd started throwing his clothes away, buying him new ones in their stead to get him to dress the way she wanted.